I am really looking at my resistance habits. Why is it more comfortable to me than the change itself? I'm dedicated to change and actually enjoy the process of self examination and discovery though it feels difficult to get into the grove and to see through the muddy waters. I need more clarity. I'm looking into meditating nightly so I can perhaps clear away the mud and look at myself more clearly.
Secondarily, the old me would definitely have "poked the bear" with punitive requirements and attempt to teach him a lesson but that doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not doing that anymore. AND, it would never be over our daughter, I wouldn't ever keep him from her or her from him. One of the things I'm working on is showing him that I trust him without question with regard to decisions he has to make about her without me present. There are thousands of ways for me to show that but I have zero intention of teaching him a lesson by withholding his daughter from him. Not cool and doesn't help anyone. Not even on my radar. He's a great father, when I give him a freaking chance to be one. It's good practice for me to get out of the way. When I was asking about being more firm regarding the separation I meant more small things like he's looking for a belt or needs toilet paper and somehow I'm supposed to bend over backwards to make it available to him. Otherwise I fully intend to be reasonable, grounded, understanding and cooperative in every way possible simply because we both deserve that.
Your suspicion about my tone, 25, is accurate as far as how it USED to be. I was often shrill and shrewy and I have 180'd that with great results. Frankly, I was getting sick of hearing my own voice like that. I do not raise my voice, I speak calmly and positively, with ZERO inflection of frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, annoyance. I know this will just take constant practice for it to become habit. I am also phrasing things MUCH better, taking time to practice in my head so there is no accusation or misinterpretation of accusation. It's going over quite well.
I made ONE mistake yesterday when H said it was SIL's birthday I noticed he popped open Facebook to send her wishes. I said, "She'd probably appreciate at least a text rather than a public FB message" and the second it came out of my mouth I regretted it. So, I apologized, immediately said how he wishes to extend his birthday wishes to his SIL is completely up to him and I will commence shutting up now. He laughed and I left the room to think about how quickly those words came out without a filter that I'm so carefully trying to create right now. I concluded that I need to STOP and breathe before I say ANYTHING. I need to be more mindful and ask myself if I am improving on the silence. Lesson learned but I think ONE mistake in almost 2 weeks is pretty good. I'm proud that I recognized it immediately and owned it immediately. More practice is needed on this though. Much more.
I have checked out Essential Experience workshop in PA but the website is very vague. Can you be more specific on what I could pick up there? Living in CA it's quite a ways to travel and since I know very little about it, I'd like to know more before considering it. I'm all for learning more about myself and am open to various ways of doing so but I'm pretty sure H would tell me I'm becoming cultish if I fly across the country for something I know little about. You know? Also, 25, could you recommend any books you think would be helpful for me? I never, ever want to go back to the person I was a month ago and I'm liking the changes I'm making. I can always use more enlightenment in this area, though. Always.
On a separate note, I need to talk to H about something very serious to me and I want to get opinions to ensure that it's not accusatory, implying I don't trust him, or condescending in ANY way.
Brief backstory: He offered to take D to camp this morning. I'm 99% sure he took his own car which, at the moment does not have a car seat. If he drove our daughter to camp without a car seat I'm very upset. She's not even close to being at a height or weight to being permitted to sit in just the back seat for even the short drive to school. Chances are good he probably thought, "oh, just this one time, real quick, no biggie" but it's a big deal to me. Here's my plan:
First I want to give him the 1% benefit of the doubt and ask if he maybe took MY car to drop her off in which case, nothing else needs to be said because she would have been in a car seat. If he says No, then here's what I want to say:
I noticed the car seat from your car is still in the garage. Did D not sit in a car seat on the way to camp this morning?
If he says, no she didn't, I was in a rush, blah, blah, blah... I will say,
Oh, I see. I understand being in a rush and feeling frantic when dropping d off in the morning. It is really important to me that she be safe in the car at all times so is there anything I can do to make sure the car seat gets installed into your car again?
