I'm ready to blow and afraid that I may do something rash.

H & I spent Tues. & Wed. separately, and then last night I cooked din., we ate, talked, watched some tv, went to bed at 10. I thought it would be nice to ML since we haven't since Sunday. Sorry, but i want it during the week too.

So we're snuggling, and I start to nuzzle a little. I wonder if I can approach him. I ask if he is too tired to fool around. He says, "not necessarily." So I ask what that means. As in, "what do you want." I think I asked (again) are you TOO tired? He said, no that he wasn't THAT tired. So, I'm hoping/wanting him to express some interest in me. He asks me what i want. DUH, isn't it f'in obvious? Why would I ask if that's NOT what I want. I ask what he wants or something to that effect, he shrugs, I start to cry. He says, "what do you want???" I said, "a STRAIGHT answer!"

He says, "I didn't say 'NO' did I?" I say, "no, but you didn't say you wanted it either." I tell him it would be nice to hear that he wants it/wants to be with me. Is this b/c of your emotional (intestinal) blockage with our r? He says maybe. I say it seems like he is being ambivalent, to give me some indication-say something, put my hand on his p. or something! Hello!

So, he does his usual withdrawal, get quiet, non-communicative, and rolls over. I ask what he is thinking. He won't say. He says I always assume the worst and that this is MY problem and that I need to deal with it. It has nothing to do with him. I cry, he says he's not "playing into this." I say I don't think it is unreasonable for a woman to want to know that her h wants her. I say that I know we've had this convo. a bajillion times and try to drop it. I ask to snuggle again or if he wants me to leave him alone. No answer, he gets closer to the middle of the bed w/his back to me. He goes to sleep. I lay there for a little while, go to my room to cry and read/write.

I wrote him a letter. Not necessarily to give to him. It would need to be editted/condensed.

*I feel so TIRED of taking the blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in our r. Earlier he said that he thought we were going hiking. I said, "you never told me that you wanted to go!" I CANNOT read his f'in mind!!! I am tired of being the social planner, work out motivator, initiator, r worker, etc. I am NOT a physical trainer (nor do I play one on TV.) If I stopped, what would happen? Ok, he did initiate convo. about this weekend and what to do. Talked about renting a movie tonight, seeing a band tomorrow night, bike riding Sunday. This is good.

I have thought about backing off sex and not initiating, but I WANT it. I want our R to be different! You know, he NEVER apologizes for being grumpy, snappish, or non-communicative/indecisive. I am tired of hearing "once you change for an extended period of time, I'll do x or y."

I have heard mixed reviews from people (both here and outside-ha ha). Some think that yes, he is responsible for the r too! And that it takes two to tango, and that my emo's are normal & part of being a woman. (I know I lack control of them, however.) And, I have heard that I am entirely too controlling and selfish. I admit to being contolling and selfish, and really feel that that has changed a lot.

I feel like I have not changed "enough" for him or that I am not worthy of his affections. I do NOT lash out at him anymore and I don't think I am nearly as accusatory as I was. However, I get no credit for that. He sees the tears and it's all over for him.

His mom has told me that he was abusive verbally to his longtime gf from the past and that they told her to leave THEIR son! He told K that it was all her too! And he thinks our r is MORE work than most. Obviously, there's didn't last. They were engaged twice and lived together for half a year...??? wtf??

Before we married, he said that some women had told him he was not very emotional/expressive and he said that he wanted to work on that. I also brought up the importance of romance and KLA, and he agreed. However, I do not think that he has been working on these things. And he blames me for his closed-offedness.

I am getting a life, and I can have one w/o him, but I DO want him in it.
??
karen