I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

Ugh, I wrote a long, thoughtful reply to GGrass, and the interwebs ate it. Ggrass, thank you so much for your raw honesty. I feel extreme empathy for your situation and I'm taking it in as a possibility for just how my Ex has felt over the last few months. She puts on a pretty, strong face on FaceBook, but I know she is a wreck. I DO wish there were something proactive I could do to alleviate her pain. I'm learning here, the only thing I can do is leave her alone.

Please just know that I feel endless remorse for my actions, endless regret for how much I've hurt the woman I love. I intended for her to be the mother of my children, and my addict mind told me I needed MORE to feel good about myself. It told me she wouldn't be hurt. It told me no one would ever know. That is what we hear in our heads, and we believe it.

Now, I am in the middle of re-entry back to reality. My little space capsule is burning up and coming apart. And as I come back down to earth, I become more aware day by day just how much pain and waste my little "dalliance" has caused. I see just how much she is hurting, just how grave my actions were, just how low I had brought myself, just how much respect I have lost from my friends and family.

The greatest amends I can make to my Ex is to do the work on myself, leave her alone, and make sure I NEVER repeat this with anyone else. I will most likely stay celibate for a long time until I feel truly complete on my own.

The "lack of remorse" you all have seen from me on this site is more a function of me thinking this was a community for "getting your Ex back" and not so much an "accept she's gone" forum. I see now that when you've done what I have done, you lose your right to ask for what you need. Your only right is to accept the consequences and learn from them. That doesn't make it any easier, and that doesn't remove my OWN pain over losing her.

Yes, I feel remorse and self-loathing for how much pain I have caused, but YES, I am also feeling the pain, panic, weight-loss, and sleeplessness or the loss myself. I get to hurt too. And the natural reaction to this pain is to want her back. I may not get to ask for that, but that doesn't make me stop wanting it.

I hope that makes some sense.