Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 4

[MrBond]

"To be fair i didnt mean to portray women as sluts whom wear shorts.. its just my perspective on my wife."

So you're saying that your W is like a slut for wearing shorts. Not helping.

"A man can fall in love and marry a porn star and find it ok and normal."

And now you're relating our W's to porn stars. Again, immature and not helping.

"Everyone has a different perspective. I was merely saying it as it was out of character.."

No that's not what you said. If you had just said that it "was out of character" it would have been fine. But the fact that you chose a word as strongly derogatory as "slut", then you have alot of issues.

"as but what do i know.. clearly im f ucked from what you guys say so fuc k it.."

So I don't get it. Why are you here? I mean, you came here trying to get your W back and learn how to become a better man and husband. It doesn't seem like you want to do either.

[25yearsmlc]

Ok so update.. everythings going really good. Shes booked a holiday without me knowing and has told me we are both going. I dont know where it is atm and im so excited. Things are on the up..

One slight problem.. im not happy with the outfits shes picking.. shes buying shorts.. which is out of character for her. I know what people are going to say and im just going to restate... its out of character for her.. we are going to be right by a beach so i guess its ok right..

Of course it's okay. IT's at a beach and it's summer time.

Are you from a culture in which women cannot show any of their body?

B/C if not, your statement is odd as heck.

Really it's a very odd comment....thought you should know that unless you are Islamic, which is what you sound like,

this is NOT what a modern man of this century would say. F- Y- I-

[25yearsmlc]

Man im her husband.. why dont she just know how i feel???

I guess she forgot to use her Mind Reading machine.


So YOU will have to do that weird old fashioned thing called COMMUNICATING --

and then, and only then, will she KNOW HOW you feel.

[25yearsmlc]

You mentioned shorts. Why aren't you happy about her wearing shorts? Are there any other outfits you disapprove of? Why don't you like them?

Because its revealing and slutty. Yeah clothes that reveal cleavage. I dont like em because they are revealing and slutty.. who she trynna impress?

@ mrbond - i have changed trust me i have. But i just feel its unfair.


"Unfair" ---- to whom?

She wants to look good and sexy for YOU!!

She's planning a surprise trip for YOU! That takes planning and effort and it's FOR YOU!

-- and you want to quibble like this? Wow, you are a man who will NOT stay married to any woman for long if this is how you are...

talk about ungrateful.

And some things she should listen to me about.. im her husband.. im sure theres women out there that always listen to their husband.. this bitch dont even respect me or my wishes..

I'm speechless. I don't think You deserve to be married.

[1Wish]

Yeah i am islamic.. muslim basically.. to be honest i really dont follow it.. but i guess i was raised into the cultural side of it. I drink and what not and dont pray or go mosque.. its really just by name. So i guess this should make more sense right as to why i said that. Not trying to justify myself.

[MrBond]

And so what have you been doing to work on yourself? What happened to all of things that you said you would do like go to C for yourself?

[25yearsmlc]

Yeah i am islamic.. muslim basically.. to be honest i really dont follow it.. but i guess i was raised into the cultural side of it. I drink and what not and dont pray or go mosque.. its really just by name. So i guess this should make more sense right as to why i said that. Not trying to justify myself.

1wish, I am going to be brutally honest with you, but I thnk it'll save us both some time.

To me, it sounds as if the parts of your religion that you think allow you to control and criticize your wife, are what you "follow", or what influences you,

but the hard parts you don't follow - are just the things you choose not to follow.

Kind of convenient...

Your comments reveal a deep resentment towards her, (or women in general, I can't really tell) are for reasons I cannot fathom.

In fact, I think the resentment and fury, is more about you than her. And you DID sound furious. You called her a bitch here, on a pro-marriage site which you are on, b/c you said you wanted to save your marriage....

and why?

B/C the gift she was giving you, (YES A GIFT) was not in the form you wanted?? No, that cannot be it. ...but I can't wrap my brain around the real reason.

I just don't see you as mature enough or fair enough, to resume a relationship with a woman, let alone a marriage.

You know, In most (all??) religions,

men are seen as providers and protectors AND partners.

Do you see any of these^^^ fitting you as you are now?

You are her biggest critic, so I can't see any reason for her to be with you.

I am sincerely asking you, can you see a reason for her to choose YOU?

B/C if you cannot, you need to assess what YOU can do, to become a man she would choose.

I'd start by NOT belittling her and showing some gratitude towards her.

Also read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman.

See I think your wife is trying to show you love, in her way. I think we all can see it clearly by the work she put into planning that trip...

But you are dismissing it b/c it was not "wrapped" the way you want it wrapped.
And you called her a bitch...( That stunned me)

And that is tragic....for both of you.

1wish, you have a long road ahead of you. I hope you will walk the walk.

The way you speak of her makes me think it'd be better for her,

if you did NOT pursue her, b/c I don't see what's in it for her.

But no, I don't believe you will do the work you need to do, b/c I think it's just easier for you to never learn that, and to "Start over" with someone else.

Like a man who doesn't learn how to change the oil in his car, but just gets a new car every time the red light goes on, on his dashboard. SEEMS easier to just buy a new car but it costs a lot more, over time.

You have to see the gain you'd get by doing the personal work you MUST do to become a good catch. There is a huge pay off but I"m not sure it's visible to you.

And I'm really sorry to say that, but it's how I see it.

[1Wish]

I see where your coming from 25. That does make sense. Its just that sometimes it feels like im doing all the work and she not give a crap. I do want this to work but i want it to be like what we used to be like before the marriage and at the start of it. I get angry easily but have learnt to control it. The questions to ask myself are a very good way to find self flaws. Its helped.

[1Wish]

Ok so i spoke to her about it again. And she says its never going to work.. we gave it another shot and its just not going to. I jusd agreed and said i want it to work but im not going to force you.. i just want to see you happy and i really dont mind what you want to do.

[1Wish]

What to do now.. how can i have a relationship with her.. where i let go and forgive her of the betrayal and let her do what she wants.

We dont have mutual respect
We dont have communication its become so awkward every since the d talk in march
we have different goals in life
We are from two complete different backgrounds
Different areas
we are growing up differently.. she feels that shes changed as a person and does not want any of this anymore
She says she has different ambitions in life and hopes to achieve them. She says that she cant do em with me.
She says that even if she and i got over her speaking to the guy and me neglecting her. What do we fall back on.. theres no understanding.. we are two very different people. She just wants to be happy and feels i restrict her. She doesnt know who she is.. shes done everything for me and feels that she lost herself in the process and wants to go out and find what she likes and what she dont.. see whats out there.. its a big world and she jus wants to travel and help people.

She wants us to go our own ways.