Fear of the unknown, it has a grip so hard on me right now. I feel like I gave up 10 years of my life, I will not get it back, I will have to move forward. The only thing helping is the fact that I know what I did, I know I can fix myself. I just still don't want to lose the W.
I know I was a complete ahole for the last few years. I was so unhappy with how everything was turning, but I could have had control over it. It was my decision to act like that, my choices my consequences. Doesn't change how I feel about wife, or marriage overall. All the good I have done recently for me, as opened up a the me I want to be, I still fall into a trap now and then, but after years of this it's going to take more than a few months to fix. With the me I want though, also comes desire to have W back even more. How can you draw a line and use those feelings to fight for it, but drop the rope as well?
I still have constant thoughts to a point of contacting, one thing has changed though. I don't want to contact to talk about M, I just want to talk. Talk about life, stories, things happening. That's what I loved about us, being able to just talk about the little things and listen. Maybe it's a connection I'm getting back bony bringing our issues up so much. It's just very hard to fight back the feelings of want.
Any advice on things to say when we drop off kids? I usually say something like good to see you, have a good week, something like that! Is that wrong, should I just say nothing. I don't mean it as pursuing, but I could see it that way. Just looking for tips. I am so bad with women, and trying to talk, but I am trying to find ways to overcome that.
