I agree about understanding the "real" us. i'm not so good at it really- i';ve always found it okay to be more concerned with others and their needs - than myself. not sayin i'm a saint or anything- just think habit. middle kid- no real attention but didn't need it since i had the younger sister/sidekick/irishtwin thing going on.
it's only last five years- that i've been shoved face to face with this "me" - i'm okay- could use work (use less words, explain less, focus more (will i EVER be focused again? idk)
anyuway- i ffeel like you about the whole wishing i never met this guy- poison. (or so it seemed sometimes) - but then, allll those great years and memories, etc. it's part of whowe are now- i get that.
maybe it's the darn flipping and flopping around- h here, gone, see old guy, see crappy new guy- idk who the heck i see these days.
today , after 2 nites of good sleep - compliments of otc sleeping pills- i felt this morning like it's my life and i've spent last two days conducting it as if he doesn't exist kind of- wierdly so, pick up kids, do chores, play with them, read if i want, ignore the dishes if i want (he can just do them too ) . he does pitch in more- now that he's mr "hey look at me- i'm a single guy again?" sometimes.
anyway- i had the notion this morning why would i reply the last five yers of total hell and $uck life- it's like reliving a horrible old injury or operation or something.
why- it only serves to make me miserable more about something soooo gone, (maybe) over, past - unfixable or changeable.
i know making decisions bout the future always require the knowl3dge and experi9ence of the past. i am not makin any at the moment (God forbid). i have a sneaking suspicion that i've been creating the world i wish to live in and as i wish to see it. it's not a bad world- for 60 or so years i felt overall "happy". i've got to moderate it i think- make it realistic maybe.
it is now, forever, tempered with what i've learned about h, mother, sisters, everyone just about.
my old ntions are shattered - i don't feel scary about a totally new "future" - assuming i've got one. i still do not have any big fat goals or things i feel i missed out on, etc.
today i walked, grdened a bit- cooked a bit so can just thro supper in with the kids here - will go get them in half hour, hair is dying now- h is playing tennis. it's not a bad day or life. he is not who he used to be- he is not beginning evil mlc guy-
i only wonder if he's winding down to become who he is now and will be going forward? or if this is "it". for him and progress.
i am not wild with desire for this guy.
idk- just ruminating- i'm so galad you're so good with your life at moment and know yourself- i feel like if you can do it- i can hope to achieve it.
buZzer going- don't want to look like don amichi - eeeek
xxo thanks for sharing thoughts and life- it makes a diff..
