On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

Thanks Train. I read through Shodan's posts. There is a lot of good info. It made me feel even more hopeless about my situation though. Bad side, my waw still has very strong attachment to her ap and virtually none to me. I have also not done what Shodan did with the DB for 6 weeks prior to learning of the A. In fact, I have done the opposite. Ugh. I know that pursuing, pressuring and showing anger are only pushing her away but I have not been able to stop. I am so deeply hurt by her A and the fact that she brought him into our home that I am not sure I can overcome it. On the good side, HE ended the affair and I do believe that it has stopped. But I don't trust my waw at all. She has told me so many lies, how can I possibly believe anything?

Last night I told her that I was going to move forward with ending the marriage since she has had 2 months to figure her feelings out and still is not ready to commit to the marriage. Her heart is still with her ap and I am not going to sit around while you wait to see if his other relationship fails so you can be back in his life. I told her that she should leave our house. At first she happily agreed but later called me to suggest that a trial separation while both staying in the home. She suggested that I could extend a business trip and stay away for a week or so. I told her that would not work for me and that she should leave. I let her know that I would prefer to work on our relationship and if she has a change of heart that she knows where to find me.

I think I need to just stay away from her for a while. I need to give her space to think on her own without being focused on defending my attacks. I realize, slowly I know, that I have been putting a lot of pressure on her and she just wants to escape from me. I am hoping that if I back off for a week with no contact that she will possibly start to soften a bit. I know now that I absolutely need her to come to me if we are going to make any progress at all.

Lastly, I need to continue to be the best dad I can be and GAL. The Stockdale paradox was helpful. I have to accept the brutal facts that the woman I loved for 30 years is gone. The life we had is gone and will never be the same. She does not love me now and may never love me again. This is ok and my life's purpose is bigger than my relationship with my spouse. I can be happy without her, or any other individual, in my life.