Starting new before getting locked out!! Hmmm...I'll do the attaching later...don't have much time.
H & I had a really good time yesterday. We drove to Dayton, picked up his truck parts and drove back through Columbus, and stopped at the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I was feeling anxious in the morn. and told h. He gave me a couple big hugs and comforted me!!! I think I told him that I was afraid he would never feel about me the way he used to. He said to give him time...
He also complimented me again yesterday! I gave him a hug and said "Hey handsome," and he said, "hey beautiful." V. nice!
So, I kept biting my tongue about the money thing(s) and ended up feeling better. I offered to help pay for din., but he said, no, it was ok, we just couldn't eat out for the rest of the week. ?we are supposed to hike tomorrow night and they always go out after. I mentioned that, but that place costs less $.
H called me today w/question about taxes. We are getting a nice return. I expected him to tell me that he was going out, but he didn't, so I asked. He said he wasn't. I acted surprised and asked why not. He said, "do I have to go out b/c it is Wednesday? Do you want me to?" I said, I was just surprised, and no, that's fine! So, I had to work late, and I will go home and cook some din. I have a massive pms headache...but at least the grumpiness has gone away.
P.S. I asked if he thought I had been b-y the last couple days and he said no! phew! I made it!!
Well, I think I just messed up...AGAIN. Last night went hiking w/my uncle w/a hike/bike club. Heard h talking about a few things w/uncle and another guy-things that I have asked him to do that he said no. So, I ASSumed that he didn't want to do these things with ME.
I got upset, and said, "don't you want to bike w/me?" He got mad and said, "Did I ever say that?" me, well no...so, this went on for a while. He had reasons for why he didn't do the other stuff before, ie wanting to be in better shape, etc.
I ask why all he hears from me is "you're an a-hole," and he explains. I agree-it is true. I jump to conclusions-and it goes all black (as in black/white-no in betweens and assuming the worst, never giving him the benefit of the doubt). I keep envisioning us having a last fight where we agree to separate/divorce. I keep having these images/thoughts in my head-I'll think, "well, if this is the way he's going to be, then I don't want to be with him, etc." and build up this rage and out it comes. Then I realize what is really going on, think, oh, he's not an a-hole, and want to be with him, and then I am sorry.
I feel bad. Things were going really well, I sent him a nice email yesterday flirting and telling him thanks for giving me so much attn, affection, and affirmation lately.
I called my uncle to apologize and he was fine, but kept giving me his thoughts and opinions, but then saying that he is not a good person to ask. I said, I am not asking, I don't want you to give me advice or feel like you need to solve this. I guess I just wanted to explain to him what happened/vent. He is my mom's bro, and has just as skewed views of m's and r's as she does-just different! He told me that men and women do not make good mates! I said, "well, I don't want to be w/girls, I like boy parts!" And, I don't agree w/that statement at all-God made m's and f's to go together-to create a balance, the trick is getting the balance to work!!
Yes, I did. I'm just afraid that he's heard "sorry" too many times w/o **enough** changes happening for him.
And, I'm afraid that I have just set us back from as far as we have gotten over the last 2-3 weeks, which was FAR & GREAT!!!
I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel so bad, and helpless (even though I know I am not). I am so tired of losing faith at the drop of a hat, ya know? Like, I have faith when things are good, then we have a misunderstanding, and I throw my faith out the window and decide that this is not going to work. My head hurts so bad right now...
I am also one with the black/white thinking. It really bites. Girl, you gotta start thinking positive!!! It takes a long time to actually learn the habit but it can be done!
As far as faith...instead of thinking when things are going wrong, that you have lost your faith...use that time to pray and give it up to God. He wants to take your worries and give you comfort. It's as easy or as hard as you make it. Trust is a big neccessity. I am not one to trust easily but the Lord has given me the will to trust Him.
And BTW... STOP the negative ASSumption that your H has seen more probs. with you than changes !!! Think positive! We all are going to backslide. It's inevitable. Quit borrowing trouble!
You do so well DBing so I know you can do this! Stop doubting and go to it! Pick yourself up, brush off the dirt and DB his pants off! LOL
Take care and I will pray for you to overcome! God bless!
Debi, you are doing so well at thinking positively! How do you do it???
Last night h & I talked about going to see a band. My uncle had mentioned going out with us on Thursday, but when I told him where we planned to go he wasn't interested b/c he wants to go try to pick up women! Fine w/me I thought! I talked with h about fear and how I continue playing the stupid cassettes from my fam. I told him I need a new CD! We also talked about how I feel guilty for being happy around my family! What is that??? They are adults and responsible for their own happiness, but I know my mom has been very jealous of me in the past, and most of my fam. just wants to commiserate. Or maybe it's me that brings on the commiserating. ie talking negatively, always talking about my probs and analyzing my r. What if i only talked about wonderful things???
I shared with h how I love to open my heart up to him and love him unconditionally, but how it freaks me out. He already knows this stuff, but I just felt like talking to him again about it. He was supportive. We decided to order fried chix and eat it. Then we got lazy and decided not to go out. Prior to din. I asked when I could kiss him all over. (I deliberated and wanted to say something else rather than the usual "wanna get naked? or are you gonna do me, etc.") Not the most romantic phrases, but we have just joked around that way in the past. I thought I should focus on doing for him rather than always wanting for me.
He hemmed a little and said maybe later. I asked if he needed time to warm up, he said he didn't know. so, I get into bed, and he comes to and starts . I was somewhat confused and then a little gunshy if you know what I mean. I asked if he was just teasing me, and told him I felt gunshy and asked him to do more kissing first. (Now, I needed to warm up.) He says my getting upset is a turn off, but then I get turned off when he doesn't act like he wants it. Uh??? confusing?
I just can't decide to back off in that area or be the hot mama that I am. Any opinions??
So, today, he was only home for a little more than an hour and he took a nap. I just left him alone. We are going out separately tonight. I am looking forward to spending some time w/a new(ish) friend (We play vball together) and some of her friends. They may be 9 or so years younger than me, but who gives a flyin' fart???
I am feeling somewhat scared, but I decided to DB my butt off, regardless of how I feel.
++he did call me after work to let me know that he was getting a haircut, asked when I was leaving etc. when he said good=bye, he said that he wouldn't be back before i left, so have fun...I wished him good luck and to have fun too!
I need to give up this nagging-I continue to think "he's not doing this FOR me, he's not doing that FOR ME, etc." I am sure that he will get all spiffy to go out w/his friends when he hasn't been getting too spiffy to do stuff with me. But, he says this is b/c of where he goes w/them-nightclubs. oh, that helps. We try to go to cheaper places to eat, etc., so he dresses down. Why do I care about this sh!t? When we first started dating I didn't care.
I know-I need to get decked out and have a great time myself. And, get home after him...how will I do that? I'm going to a movie and to play pool, I don't know if this friend stays out until 2. I can take a book to read until 2 am ! ha ha...
I may have met some climbing friends! Some people from the bike club are going on wed. to the climbing gym. I made plans for din. w/a friend but will see if she wants to come or can reschedule if she doesn't mind. My other friend wants to go too if she can-she has decided to be more adventurous, and I just happen to know the person for her to do that with!!
H asked me if I wanted to meet some people for din. next sat. from the Ford Lightning club that he is now in. Another ++ that he is including me on this stuff. It depends on the weather though and we are trying to hook up w/another couple so the guys can make beer and the girls can goof off and then we can all play cards. I also might go out with my cousin next week, if she will make and keep a commitment to do something with me!
Hey, you sound good! I have had a major down in my sitch so it makes me feel good that you are having better times. Keep at it! It just takes practice and repetition to think positive. You can do it! Create that habit!
Sorry I'm not more helpful but I am still reeling from shock. Check out my thread and you'll see why. Anyway, take care and hang in there! You are moving right along. God bless! Debi
I think I told him that I was afraid he would never feel about me the way he used to. He said to give him time...
Or does it not work that way? 
