Just to make it clear, I don't mind spending time with my kids, I love it. I just wish she spent more time at home. The kids miss her.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
So I apologized to my wife about my text message "blow up" the other night. She seemed to understand that I'm going through an emotional roller coaster and that I will have outbursts from time to time.
She reemphasized the point of us trying to stay friends. I just need to stay calm and avoid getting into arguments with her.
At this point, I'm fearful of losing her as a friend, let alone as a wife.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
What you are going through emotionally is quite normal. Michelle Weiner Davis says that you will probably feel shock, disbelief, rage, anger, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. She says these are normal feelings and normal emotions given the situation. She says to know for the time being, your emotions are in the driver's seat and as difficult as that might be, it's completely normal.
Quote:
Just got off the phone with my DB coach. She thinks the situation so far has had some encouraging progress, but some notable setbacks.
I have to stop getting myself involved in arguments with her, especially about the affair or our past. I have to control my anger. I have to stop contacting the OMW.
Approach pursuit tactics very carefully. If I can get a full week of "good days" (no arguments or conflicts), then I can build on that. I haven't had more than two or three consecutive "good days" since D-day, four weeks ago.
I have to keep my good attitude and detach. Give her the freedom she so desires without stepping over any boundaries that we've both established.
Listen to your Coach. They are the experts and are TRAINED in these things. Just like when you need advice on legal matters one goes to a lawyer. Same in marriage problems. Divorce Busting Coaches are PROFESSIONALS. Listen to your Professionally trained coach. She gave you some small short term attainable goals.
The rest of us are mere amateurs. Our advice is free.. and you know what they say.. "you get what you pay for...
Your Coach gave you a good game plan as a starting point. Start there. Use a Professional trained in these situations, then use the books to refer back to what your Coach advised you to do.....
She went to stay with the OM. I knew about this in advance and on the surface, showed her that I was OK (of course, deep down, I'm still having a hard time with it).
My daughter was crying uncontrollably asking for her mother. When I finally started to get her down and back to sleep, I became very angry at what I just went through and I sent her a barrage of heated text messages.
I said things like"
"a mother should be home with her 3 year old unless absolutely necessary. This is not necessary. It's selfish."
"You'll have the rest of your life to sleep with this guy once you're remarried to him."
"You're self-indulging at the expense of our children. I'm frustrated that you don't see anything wrong with this."
She did say at the time that she will come home right away if things are bad.
I recognize that I went way overboard and apologized the next day.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
That was a bad text to send - you can't shame a wayward and have it work in your favor. All that judgment only comes across as controlling and she will further revolt.
However, nothing you said was untrue, and having sent the text, I don't see where an apology was in order, and that probably further weakened your position.
Realize that texting makes it far too easy to respond reactively without thinking. Stay away from texting. Always give yourself hours to respond to a text, if you even must respond, unless it's an absolute emergency.
And I trust that Bond's gonna tell you to get your focus off W, where you have no control, and get it back on you and your kids, where you do have lots of work to do.
I don't think I mentioned this before, but the other week, I offered up the following thought/idea to my wife.
If we're going to remain friends, then she will need to find a way to come to terms and let go of her anger towards me. Hate in her heart will burn in her for the rest of her life, and I know she doesn't want that.
She agreed wholeheartedly and said she'd be willing to try to go to counseling (in a month or two) to address some of these issues so that she can move on from the past and possibly forgive.
Possibly a ray of light, if nothing else, than to improve our friendship.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Individual counseling (IC) or Marriage counseling (MC) as a couple?
IC - fine, she can go any time. An IC may be able to help her dump the anger/resentment, but will probably affirm her decision to leave you, since the IC will only hear about how horrible you are.
MC - a good idea, but only after she has stopped A and given up OM. Otherwise, W will guide the MC to essentially give her permission to leave what she will describe as a horrible M. You will be there, but totally on the defensive, rebutting a rewritten marital history with a counselor who has no perspective. Do not go to MC to try to save your M if she is still in an A.
And if all you want is for her to be able to forgive, well forgiveness is something that a person does for themselves, to lessen that "burning heart". You really can't help her with that, it's a personal skill to be learned. If that's the only reason for you to go to MC, and she's still in an A, I would stay far away from that.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
She keeps reinforcing the idea that her decision to leave has nothing to do with the OM. She's said to me on occasion that she doesn't know what the future holds with her relationship with the OM, but all she knows is that she's happy with him currently. Even if she stops the A, she won't return to me. She's said this recently.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
