Oh, I think this one is so, so simple. But maybe that's just me.
mindsin: - you're very new in your sitch. whether you know it or not, you are an emotional mess right now. you are not detached. you are not in a rational, stable place right now. you will yo-yo all over the place for the next couple of months.
- First order - DO NOT DO ANY MORE DAMAGE either to your emotional self, or to your M.
- this means you're a mess waiting to happen to any prospective date, and any prospective date is a mess waiting to further complicate your sitch.
- now is the time for you to be reflective, figure out how you contributed to the demise of your M, and start addressing that. Your time now is best spent on improving you, so that if down the road you D, you will not repeat the same mistakes with that next date.
- you are correct in guessing that your W wants you to date in part to help her justify what she's doing. "Hey, it's alright, we have an open marriage - we both date." If that's what you want, that's what you'll get.
- Now understand what I'm about to say - you cannot shame your W, nor can you say anything to make her feel guilty - that will not work, and will backfire on you. However, if she has any conscience at all, and she does, I guarantee she struggles with it daily, she will have her own feelings of shame and guilt. Those are working in your favor. If you start dating, you lose those. Once your W gets over that hurdle, it's a long downhill slide from there. By dating, you would be helping her over that hurdle.
- how on earth do you explain your status to a date? What is your status? What could you offer the other person? What would you expect from the other person? Are you just looking for a one night stand? A shoulder to cry on? Can you see having a long term relationship with a W who would date a married man?
- Now, if you are talking about going out with a group of people, getting a life, where some may happen to be S/D people, but you are clearly not in a date setting, by all means, go ahead. More friends and support never hurts. That will help you realize that there is life without D, and things will be ok, and that will help move you to a more stable emotional state, which is where you must be if you're going to save your M.
IMHO, dating and DB'ing are polar opposites.
So are you trying to save your M, or are you moving on?
