Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Thanks for checking in, Maybell.

Everything is fine, and today was actually pretty good, which I wasn't expecting. I've just been busy and enjoying myself, which is a huge and really nice change.

I woke up this morning feeling okay. H. wasn't the first thing I thought about, and I got up, went for a bike ride, and got in a bit of secondhand shopping - oddly enough, I bought myself a typewriter. I realised on the way home that H probably won't be thrilled about it, but put it out of my mind. I also got some new clothes to spruce myself up a bit more, just for fun.

I saw my IC today. It may have just been the day - some are more okay than others - but she said it seemed like I was in a much different place than I was two weeks ago. I'm not sure that it's coming through so well here, but I'm inclined to agree with her. If nothing else, my focus is a lot less on blanket self-blame and more on specific marriage problems and taking care of myself.

We had an interesting talk. First, she noted that because she's recently moved office she's been going through some old notes. She made some points about concerns that I had about H.'s work ethic, ways of dealing with finances, and apparent unwillingness or inability to go out and do much of anything well before we got married, so these are old concerns, and quite likely old resentments too. I'd forgotten much of this, but it probably fed into our dynamic quite a bit. It was also a huge relief to have more confirmation that this is a long-standing thing (contrary to H.'s assertions about how long I've been unhappy for).

She also expressed some concerns that he could have some counseling-worthy issues (both longer-term and based on how differently he's acting now). but stated that she couldn't diagnose without seeing him, which I knew. It was a bit of a relief to hear this, although it doesn't change things, and does raise some potential concerns if things don't wind up being resolvable. For now, though, she wants me to see where H. is when he gets back and we can work from there.

I found myself saying that I still want to try to work through things and that I've still got some wishful thinking going on, but that I needed a different marriage and a different H. There are some serious changes that will need to be made on both of our parts, and I'm still not sure if that's possible. But, for the first time today, I genuinely felt that things would be fine for me whether they happened or not. I think this has a lot to do with today just feeling like a good day overall, even though he's not here and things aren't a lot of fun in the relationship.

I came home after my appointment, stopped off at the bookstore, did some grocery shopping, bought a few treats, and then cleaned the apartment while dancing to loud music. I made myself a simple but tasty dinner, did a bit of sewing while watching TV, and I'm about to head off to bed. I can't say I didn't have any sad moments, but today I felt together and empowered and in control and really alive. I did what I wanted when I wanted, and it was pretty grand.

To end, and as a reminder to myself, here's a small list of things that I've really enjoyed on my own:

- eating fresh cherries and good yogurt without having to share
- listening to any music I wanted as loudly as I wanted
- getting only healthy foods at the grocery store
- cooking vegetarian food
- dancing around the apartment with no one cracking jokes about my (lack of) moves
- cleaning efficiently and feeling productive
- watching documentaries that no one else is that interested in
- sewing while watching TV
- keeping the sink clear
- going to bed in complete quiet with no lights on