Thank you for your response. In my head this all makes sense to me. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
Yesterday my wife emailed an 11-page letter discussing our marriage and my inability to let go of the hurt I feel when she yells at me. She says she has offered solutions and I have to accept these solutions or come up with new ones.
She said my inability to get over my hurt is destroying our marriage.
She is right. I have can’t seem to get over this hurt. The way I deal with it is very poor. I bottle it up and then when it became unbottled I moved out. I live in fear of it coming back. I don’t argue so I don’t handle it well.
I don’t know how to do this differently.
I do blame myself. I look at things as my being a failure. I tried and thought I was doing a good job but learned how I failed. I never realized the conflict avoidance I did or missing the emotional connection until I started therapy and then marriage counseling. I say I blame myself not in some noble sense but actual failure. There is nothing to be proud of in my failure.
I have a huge issue with my pain. The bad thing about it is I get wrapped up in it and I miss the pain my wife in. I certainly went through a time when all I saw was my pain and did not recognize her pain. So I am saying at one time I was even worse with my lack of recognition.
It’s like I want to yell, “See my pain understand my pain!” But I never think she really understands. Then I get frustrated with her and then I go get frustrated with myself. It is like a terrible circle saying “See there it is!” But when she says “Yes I see it!” I say “No you really don’t see it.”
I have done a bad job seeing how frustrating this is for her as I even recognize I am wrapped up in the pain but I cannot explain how overwhelming it is in my world. I think sometimes I can step out of myself a little and be rational and but then it consumes everything again.
I know she wants me to move home. And I want to come home. But there is something inside of me that won’t let me come home. I’m afraid.
I tried to stay in her life by mowing the lawn and doing chores around the house but she cut me off last week. She said enough was enough. She said I “was her husband not her gardener.” She demanded a commitment. I froze.
Here is my other dilemma: After I moved back home (after last year) my wife told people our marriage was going great. She never told anyone we were still having problems.
But I told people the truth…that we were still having problems. When I moved out this last time my wife didn’t tell anyone we split up again (she still hasn’t told anyone). But I told people. Mostly my family. Now they are pressuring me to get a divorce. I don’t know how to stand up to my family.
I really feel backed into a corner and I don’t know how to get out.
