It is cathartic. Just don't wallow in it (see your earlier post)
It happened, Matt. It happens in our lives. Doesn't matter if you're "good" or "bad". It is what it is, right?
I know lots of people who have been through similar. Both online (here) and in person.
Keep in mind the dynamic, Matt. She's angry. She's likely angry because she's hurt. Never mind that she hurt you or made these choices. It is what it is regardless of why. But she, like you and your daughters is human and is going through a breakup. She will try to pick a fight with you. She will try to insult you. Call you all kinds of names, try and re-remember the past (presumably to make herself feel better), and she will also try to adjust to the current regardless of what you say or point out. For her, that may mean asking if you want her to keep something for you, as if she will always be there for you. It's an adjustment for her as well.
Heck, mine tried to say she'd fund a startup for me after the divorce was finalized, as a way to pay me back for the years I supported her. In the end, Matt, it was obvious she needed to go and wanted to hold on to the past at the same time. Like a child leaving home but wanting to be back in time for dinner, ya know? The only thing I'm left with is to understand that she left. The other things? Just adjustments for her and for me. They don't mean anything in the scheme of things. They will likely be forgotten later, much like saying something during an argument or in a tantrum. It wouldn't surprise me if in her anger, my ex had the affair to "get at" me and then couldn't live with the guilt. Or that she married this guy as a way to get at me.
I won't know and honestly it doesn't matter. It's her trip to take. I have my own. If it makes her feel better to bad mouth me or otherwise do what she does and says, then that's on her. If her H chooses the same, then it is what it is and I'll deal with what needs to be dealt with (very little; he's a bug on my windshield at this point). My choices are mine, and I've found that the more I don't respond, the more it changes. She reaches deeper for insults. But I know at some point, she'll stop telling me, Matt.
Why? Because I'm the one that controls my feelings and my life. And refuse to engage in her anger.
For a long time I had the feeling that she was using me like a "hit" of a drug. She would use me to kindle her anger. How do you deal with that? For me, I don't. I did for a while, but that's just silly, don't you think?
The sooner you detach and not let stuff like that get to you, the better off you'll be. It'll change over the years anyway, and if you remove yourself from that, she'll be left to deal with herself or whomever crosses her path and doesn't get out of the way.
Take the high road and detach from the outcome or even the present situation. You're giving it more credit and weight than it deserves, Matt.
I know you know that. Just putting that out there for ya.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
