lost and desperate

[25yearsmlc]

Wow. You are an incredible resource and wealth of information! Thank you for all of this information. Detaching is more about protecting me, it seems. Man, I'll need to practice this a lot. Many DB techniques are starting to feel natural to me but detaching is HARD! Broken down in pieces like it is above REALLY helps with the nuance of it. I can't wait to get started.

I am full of excuses regarding GAL. I don't want to spend the money. Babysitting is difficult to coordinate. My friends are all busy. I just applied for a ton of jobs and if I sign up for a class I won't have time for it once the job starts.... Blah, blah, blah. I'm a master of resistance, huh? Sheesh.

Ok. Enough inertia.


Your resistance to change is a big part of the reason you are here. Don't forget that.

The more you alter that trait, the sooner the other changes will happen, without as much of a big deal being made about them. Change will be something you will learn to be comfortable with, in time. Starting with smaller things might help you when you get to the big internal changes coming.

Make sense?


P.s. I think I'm going to need to pick some peoples' brains about cake eating and boundary setting. H is planning to move out and we plan to keep the visitation schedule with d rather flexible BUT he seems to be under the impression that he can just come and go as he pleases despite the separation and him having his own place.

Make sure you know the line between healthy self respect/boundary setting, and you being punitive or "teaching him a lesson" b/c it's NOT your job to teach your h a lesson. Life does that.

It's not your job to "Show him the consequences of his choices", life does that.
Boundaries are about limits on YOU, not about controlling him.

This is a key concept to understand or all your "boundary" setting will come off as more rule making and "decrees" from you, trying to control HIM/HIS behavior instead of your own. Your tone sounds, at times, as if you want to punish him for leaving you and you want to make it harder on him. That's not a consistent vibe in your post but I fear it'll sound like it to him AND parts of it sound that way to ME.

A boundary might be you saying "I won't be spoken to like that" and then when someone is overtly disrespectful to you, YOU LEAVE the room. VERSUS telling them they "must use a whispered respectful tone with you", which is about you controlling THEM and Not about what YOU will do.

It may seem like semantics, and my example is a small one but can you sees the difference?

B/C if you make it about what YOU will tolerate/not tolerate, that's one thing. The focus is on YOUR changes and YOUR reaction, NOT about telling him what to do or feel.


I would like to make the separation more firm so he can't just drop by and get some tv time or print something off the printer anytime he pleases. It's not his home anymore.

Be clear about your motivation here^^^....you want to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth, right? Then don't make it harder for him to come home than it already will be, for him.

You essentially admit you checked out of the marriage years ago and have been "a monster" to him for quite some time. IF you are not sure where you stand on something, do NOT fall on your sword for it and make darn sure you choose your battles wisely.

IF I were in your shoes, I'd err on the more flexible side of things. I'd suggest he can come by when he wants to see your d WITH some notice, & "for now" -that's all you'll need.

That will leave the idea that "later on" if a Div does happen, he'll need to plan more in advance b/c spontaneous events do get lost in those situations.

You can create a little mystery about your "plans for then" but be careful of denying him access to your D, b/c that can get used against you in court. IF it's not happening, then that's great. But I'd bet his L will ask him if you make it harder to see her, than it has to be....so be ready for that question too.

Is this a battle that sounds reasonable to pick? If so, I'm going to need to tread very carefully because I'm expecting the "but it's my house, too! If I need something I'm going to get it." Confrontation. Yikes!

I don't know that it's a wise battle to pick. At most, at this point, I would probably just ask for some notice. Remember, you're trying to keep the road home, paved and smooth. And as i said, saying 'it's not his home anymore" does not sound like something you want to solidify in his mind and heart, is it?

The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them. And by making him "pay" for leaving, you force him to see the upside of leaving too, like not being told anything, by you...

And when you tell him he has to give notice (24 hours notice to see his D might come off as too formal and harsh AT THIS POINT b/c it's what landlords have to do to see their tenant's house...do you want that type of relationship with your h??)

Anyhow, if you do set some limit, it must be done with an absolutely KIND expression on your face, an almost sedated tone in your speech, and not as if you expect a fight.

I say these thingss^^^ b/c I suspect your tone is frequently annoyed or furious sounding, to him. IF so, you have to almost over compensate now. And please do check into that workshop Essential Experience in Philadelphia. (Don't confuse it with others that have similar names). I think you'd get major tools for changing your life with great specific techniques for change within, AND you'll feel a lot better about YOU and forgiveness...

Even if you cannot go now (the sooner the better, seriously), learn about it so you can someday attend, it's truly powerful and profound and concrete.

Hang in there.