Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

I love your analogy of the dark crooked path. I do feel like that. There is something hopeful about the journey even though it is absolutely terrifying. I think I had gotten past the point of feeling so sad about the possibility of this marriage ending. Like I have gotten closure on the old relationship, even though we are still in limbo. It is like the map is starting to make sense, and feel worth it, and that even though I don't know where I will be when I get there, I know that it will be a much better place then where I am now. And I also believe it will be a much better place then where I started when I thought things were perfect.

When I look back on where my marriage went wrong I very easily go back to September 2011. That is the exact time when I started feeling like my life was spinning out of control. When I started panicking that my dreams were not coming true. Maybe I had a bit of a midlife crises at that time, even though I wasn't at a typical MLC age. That is when I went from a Scarlett O'Hara point of view (pretty much living in a happy go lucky place of denial and waiting for someone else to clean up my messes) to what I thought was a mature and responsible way of being. But in reality I was just becoming obsessed with trying to control everything. And I was driving myself and my husband crazy. I think, also, this change of attitude brought about resistance in H. Because the truth was that things weren't all my fault, and that was hard for both of us to accept.

And then some completely frightening and unexpected and uncontrollable things started to happen (unexpected deaths that happened in ways I never would have dreamed, weather related crises that effected loved ones but scared the S out of me). It all just made me crazier, because I was just finally starting to get to the point of being able to prepare for the expected and now I was bombarded with the unexpected.

I see my role in all of this--I'm the one who changed, and it isn't such a bad thing, I just tried to take the training wheels off too soon. I am learning that there is a balance, although I am still searching for it. There is a way to be accountable for the things within my control and to let go of the things that are not, but like I said before, discerning which is which is where my problem lies.

And I am starting to see him differently. He was always perfect in my eyes. I was always the flawed one, and the fact that he loved me always amazed me. The fact that he didn't see these faults. He deserved someone better, but when I thought I was becoming that better person, things just got worse. He pulled away. It didn't make any sense. But now I realize that he isn't perfect. No one is.

The more I tried to become a better contributor the more he was faced with his own demons. The reality that our financial problems were more on an outflow problem then inflow was such a positive finding for me and I thought he would feel the same way. But instead he got very defensive about it. And I guess it is because he knew he had issues that I never noticed. He has been struggling with his issues--and even to this day I am trying to talk him out of acknowledging them.

Until I decided to get angry, then I started listing them all. Being angry is a new thing for me, too. Something that just started a few months ago. And I am learning that anger is ok, it is how we react to it that is the problem. Again, I need to find the balance between setting boundaries and lecturing. And I need to stop apologizing.

I am learning through this process that he isn't right all of the time. That sometimes he actually says things just to hurt me, and not because they are true. That just because he puts all the blame on me doesn't mean I have to take it on. It is all of those subtle things that I never realize is happening. It isn't until I talk about them in a meeting, or with a friend who has been through it with an addict that I am shown the manipulation that is coated in what seems like a humble acknowledgement of his faults--but at the heart of it there is always that hint of "because of you". I am starting to see it, but I am still working on how to handle it.

And that is why those maps are so important. Those checkpoints to help me identify where I am right NOW, rather than focusing on where I am headed or where I came from.