I can only speak from my own experience. But first, I think Starsky gave the best example of this on another thread just today:
"You need to end your affair." <- Controlling.
"I will not live in an open M." <- Healthy boundary.
At first, I was trying to meet my H's needs as much as possible - to be his "friend" and to attract him back to me by being nice and sweet and validating. I was trying to placate a H who was actively cheating on me. I was trying to meet his needs while he was having his needs met by another woman. The ONLY thing that did was hurt ME.
Later, I decided to lovingly detach from my H, allowing OW to meet ALL his needs. I placed boundaries around my heart and family. And I focused on me and my changes. I was still friendly, for the most part, with H. But I didn't even talk to him enough to validate his feelings or give him the impression I would be his friend while he was betraying me in such a way.
Look, guys, here's the thing: if you hear your W make a complaint, and it's one that stings, then it's probably legit. So, sho, if you think you're too controlling, by ALL means work on that.
But don't confuse yourself there. You aren't being controlling by looking on marital property to establish if your W is having an A. That MATTERS. Not only to your emotional health but your physical health if you have ML (or if you're STILL ML, which I would not recommend. Obviously.). I'm not saying to snoop. I did. Until I found the proof I needed. And then I stopped because H had moved out, and snooping only hurt me.
It is not controlling to say, "I will not live in an open marriage," and then to take steps to make sure you AREN'T living in one if your W doesn't end her A.
It's also, I'll repeat, way too easy and convenient for a WW to call boundaries "controlling." And she'll do this so that you back off your more firm stance. I would strongly encourage you not to fall for it.
Does any of this make sense?
Starsky, can you clarify this better? It takes me two words to say what you say in one.
sho, what does "not being controlling" look like to you? Paint me a picture of that in words, can you?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
