Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[Shining]

Matt, I don't know how you do it. I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

She sounds a lot like my H. It's like they have completely snapped, and become an entirely different person. If we met them like they are now, we never would have given them time of day, much less married them.

I am dealing with teens, too, but H is their step-father. It has to be so much more personal for the girls to witness this stuff from their own mother. The abandonment, rejection, deceit, selfishness. All from the one who is supposed to be forever nurturing and caring. That has to hurt.

They may fear that this is how they will become, since they are half-mom. My S17 used to talk about my xh (his dad) and how afraid he was that he would be the same. He dealt with that for years in counseling. He knows now that he has the power to choose differently.

Kids, even teens, feel so powerless. They watch and they're scared. They shut down or act out because they don't know what to do. This crisis is our opportunity to lead and teach.

I used to talk about my H waaaaayy too much in front of them because I was angry. I realized it was hurting my kids, not so much the negativity about H in my case, but that I seemed to be overly concerned with someone who was gone, and to them I was not enough concerned with what they needed.

When I stopped talking about H or how I was feeling that day, and started to focus more on them and what they were doing in their lives (NOT related to crisis, hurt feelings, their mood) it seemed to change the environment. They seem to open up more when it isn't the first thing or the biggest thing in the day.

They had to see that I valued them more than the one who betrayed me.