Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[Matt165]

Good morning everyone,
Well, things are quiet but I feel like there is something waiting to happen, some new horror my W is planning to dump on me just around the corner! It's an odd but familiar feeling. I now see how much my M was like that before my W left. Always waiting for her to act out, do something spiteful after one of her blow ups.

I've learned so much by reading about other peoples sitchs. I think I know why my W acted the way she did. She knows she is wrong. She uses her tantrums as an avoidance mechanism, if she acts out, brings up all the other stuff like she did (like saying we didn't spend as much as we did or that I should have made more money like I was somehow at fault, etc.) it takes the subject off of what she is doing, how she is acting at that moment. Every time she doesn't get her way this is what she does. She goes off like a 14 year old yelling about how she had to leave because of this or that, tries to get me angry and say something that she can twist into looking like I'm being unreasonable. As long as she gets what she wants she will act calm and "reasonable" but the moment that she might have to give up something she wants, all he$$ breaks loose. It's so sick and twisted. Here is a woman who left me with no money, told me to get a second, min. wage job while she's making $8,000 a month and not telling me that she stopped putting money in our joint accounts and letting me pay the bills until the account was overdrawn. After 25 years together and me being the sole money provider for most of that time, she was willing to leave me without a penny and she thinks she's been more than fair.

The thing is I think the whole blow up thing effected my D14 more than I thought. She is being very standoffish and angry since Sunday. She leaves the room when I try and talk to her or join her watching TV. How can her mother act this way and not care about how it hurts her D? Every time I start to feel like maybe things can get better, maybe everything will be OK, my W has to find some new drama to pull all the attention right back on her!

Well, I can no longer avoid the fact that she is not going to be happy unless she gets everything she wants in this D. Nothing short of my totally giving in to anything SHE thinks is "right" is acceptable to her. Who is this person? I don't know who she has become and I don't like this person one bit. She is so selfish and cold and wanting to be a victim. How can you be a victim of your own actions? They all do this, the WAS's ,it seems. Even the kitty kat ones find some way to play the victim card. God, how can so many people change so much so quickly? Not see the hurt and pain they cause everyone around them or better yet, see it and not care? Mother's who hurt their kids, fathers who abandon theirs. What is happening in the world?

This blog is just a tiny portion of the people who are dealing with MLC yet here you see hundreds of people dealing with lives forever changed because of their S's "journey of self discovery". How many more men and women are out there feeling like we do but not knowing or understanding why their wonderful, loving H/W has suddenly become a character out of a bad B movie? They will have their lives destroyed, their hearts ripped open and never know why. Then there's the kids.What are they learning watching their mom or dad become someone totally different. Someone who doesn't care anymore and they can no longer count on. Are they now destined to go through the same chit later in their life?

Sorry to be such a downer this morning. I just want to get on with my dang life, want my kids to have "normal" lives once again and I can never seem to take a step forward without my W trying to kick me back.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Matt,

I think we all live with waiting for the next bomb to drop. I know that if you dwell on this it will get you down in a deep hole. The solution for me is to take on a bit of the MLCer mind set. What I am doing is living life for the moment for me and for my daughters. If I get the urge to go to the beach, I just do it. If the girls want to do something, I just do it. I don't worry about what wife thinks or says. I am trying to live life to the fullest everyday.

[LoisB]

The thing is I think the whole blow up thing effected my D14 more than I thought. She is being very standoffish and angry since Sunday. She leaves the room when I try and talk to her or join her watching TV.

Have you asked her what's going on? I think it's important you do. And, don't assume she is just upset with your W...she may be angry with you.

I learned, later, that my daughters were very angry with me for allowing Smokey to run riot in all our lives for so long. They were angry because I was the more "together" parent and I allowed their lives to be upset by him over and over again.

Use the DB-ing techniques with your D14. No matter what comes out, unless it's abuse, validate and support her. Maybe ask her what she need from YOU. Don't bring W into it unless she does.

Just my two cents.

[pbetra]

Hi Matt,

re: I also feel badly about her having to be there for the blow up. I was thinking I should send her a message saying how sorry I was that the day ended so badly.

If it bugs you that much - you can always tell her, you're sorry that she was exposed to the incident. It has been very difficult for you ... something simple & brief Then ask her how she is generally speaking, before ending. Be pleasant & not too lengthy when uncertain (there's always later).

I think I can trust her to not say anything to my W if I ask her not to but then again, she is my W's friend. I need to think on that one. Time to get on with MY life and understand I just can't control anything that my W says or does and just deal with her as things

All the more reason to keep brief & simple. In other words, you're sorry she was exposed to your 'M issues' at this challenging time. Period.

If she tells your wife she heard from you, it can't harm you anyway. You are communicating with 'the sane' of the two. Your W is 'all over the place,' regardless of what you/her friend say(s) to her, or does not say ... see how you feel. Your 'gut', your call.

re: your life - yes, keep going. It's not easy dealing w/these 'loonie' behaviours that can easily impact on you. Up to this morning I was working on my goals (sometimes feels so formidable). I chip away, break with a movie, music/other, before chipping away again. My allergies are really acting up today (after > over a year now!) & I feel tired, so I will take it one (1/2 ) hour at a time!

Feel good Matt, p.

[Matt165]

Thanks Heather,
I have tried without getting all "serious" to find out what's wrong. The thing is she is a 14 year old and a lot of how she is acting is kind of "normal" 14 year old stuff. Staying in her room, on her phone and internet, etc. If everything was fine between her mom and I, I might not be so worried. I have a feeling she may be put on the spot very soon and having to say who she would rather live with as in my state at her age she gets to make up her own mind about where she wants to live. I do know she is very upset that her sister is moving out to live with her boyfriend. She is so much happier when her sister is around! Now she is having to deal with that, her parents D, her mom's insanity, not being around her friends half the time and feeling out of place with them because she won't be able to go to the same school with them next year, having to deal with going from small private school setting to big, public school where she will know not one person. That's so much to deal with at her age and all her mom can think about is herself! I just don't get how any mother can care so little about her kids. My D19 told me about her mom talking to her. She said everything her mom said had to do with herself more than her. Whatever she said always seemed to loop back around to her mom wanting to be "happy", how SHE made a wrong turn somewhere along the way, trying to justify what she was doing.

WAS's destroy the lives of those who love them more than anyone, those who have stuck with them through good and bad times, but don't care at all. If my W had known someone who did what she is doing now a few years ago, she would have been appalled! Now she just does it and expects everyone to understand that it's what she must do. I know I should be Used to this by now. I was detached and finally moving somewhat forward and now, for some reason, this latest thing has me so angry and frustrated! If you put these MLCers on, say, Dr. Phil and they acted the way they do, said the things that they say to us, the audience would want to hang them from the nearest telephone pole!

I'm so tired of dealing with this. I am so all around tired. I think I need to be careful and not fall into the trap of depression. I'm starting to avoid things I need to deal with and that isn't good. I just want some time to take a breath where there isn't some crisis caused by my W to deal with. Sorry to be so negative Heather. I just need to get my chit together and get back in the game!

[Matt165]

Thanks pbetra,
That was exactly what i was thinking. Just a "sorry you had to be exposed to that" kind of thing. I just don't get how my W can have a tantrum like a teenager and feel justified. If she could have just spoken to me like a normal adult, made a case for why it was important to her, the whole incident could have been avoided but no, she had to go right to freak out and as she spoke over every sentence I tried to get out, I let her drag me down to her level. The reason I said to just take it and go is so I wouldn't be able to say the things that were wanting to come out of my mouth!

I'm starting to have some allergy stuff myself. I don't usually get it bad but lately it's hit hard. Keep chipping away pbetra, your doing well!

[TL72*]

Matt I was thinking the same thing about my exH - he could have spoken to me like a normal adult instead of having a tantrum that accomplished nothing. The whole outcome would have been different. I don't think they're capable of thinking logical like normal adults though. What seems so simple to us just makes them angry I guess. That would mean accepting responsibility for their own actions and it is so much easier to blame the LBS. meh - who knows, just so done with the drama of it all Hope you're doing well - it's hard sometimes to have that control of yourself and not drop to their level. Respond not react. I'm certainly lucky that my communication with the ex is strictly text or email at this point because I know I can calm down before I respond, if I respond at all - in person it's much harder for me to control myself and what comes out of my mouth hahaha. I'm considering myself pretty lucky at this point that he left I know you're tired - it wears you down. Remember to shift the focus to taking care of you and the kids. I know you know because i've seen your posts to others, you're becoming a pro on this stuff, it's much easier to have insight into others sitches than your own though isn't it. Take care my friend!

[LoisB]

Matt,

Look at something...

You went from this...compassion for your daughter's situation...

The thing is she is a 14 year old and a lot of how she is acting is kind of "normal" 14 year old stuff. Staying in her room, on her phone and internet, etc. If everything was fine between her mom and I, I might not be so worried. I have a feeling she may be put on the spot very soon and having to say who she would rather live with as in my state at her age she gets to make up her own mind about where she wants to live. I do know she is very upset that her sister is moving out to live with her boyfriend. She is so much happier when her sister is around! Now she is having to deal with that, her parents D, her mom's insanity, not being around her friends half the time and feeling out of place with them because she won't be able to go to the same school with them next year, having to deal with going from small private school setting to big, public school where she will know not one person.

to this...a rant about W's insane behavior...

WAS's destroy the lives of those who love them more than anyone, those who have stuck with them through good and bad times, but don't care at all. If my W had known someone who did what she is doing now a few years ago, she would have been appalled! Now she just does it and expects everyone to understand that it's what she must do. I know I should be Used to this by now. I was detached and finally moving somewhat forward and now, for some reason, this latest thing has me so angry and frustrated! If you put these MLCers on, say, Dr. Phil and they acted the way they do, said the things that they say to us, the audience would want to hang them from the nearest telephone pole!

To this...wallowing...

I'm so tired of dealing with this. I am so all around tired. I think I need to be careful and not fall into the trap of depression. I'm starting to avoid things I need to deal with and that isn't good. I just want some time to take a breath where there isn't some crisis caused by my W to deal with. Sorry to be so negative Heather. I just need to get my chit together and get back in the game!

Ok. Snap outta it.

Which guy does YOUR DAUGHTER NEED right now?

Look, again, at all she is dealing with above. Stop fighting what is...It JUST IS. That's it.

You're absolutely right, it S.U.C.K.S. in ALL CAPS IN NEON...now, get over it for HER. She needs you right now more than ever.

Get angry at the sitch and use it to move forward. You can do this. Buy your D flowers or the new 5 Seconds of Summer CD. Give her a hug, a smile, a burger from Wendy's, whatever, just remind her that you love her today and you feel badly for all she is dealing with.

Sorry for the 2x4, but I think it was warranted.

Love,

Heather

[AJM]

She knows she is wrong. She uses her tantrums as an avoidance mechanism, if she acts out, brings up all the other stuff like she did (like saying we didn't spend as much as we did or that I should have made more money like I was somehow at fault, etc.) it takes the subject off of what she is doing, how she is acting at that moment. Every time she doesn't get her way this is what she does. She goes off like a 14 year old yelling about how she had to leave because of this or that, tries to get me angry and say something that she can twist into looking like I'm being unreasonable.

and you expected...?

Here's the thing though, Matt. You are getting more and more angry. She's trying harder and harder to make you angry. To make you the bad guy. Guess what? My ex did the same. We were married for 20 years (almost to the day). I put her through several degrees, and as she was finishing up the last one to reach her life-long dream of becomming a doctor, she pulled a Crazy Ivan and left. It started out quietly and has become a cold-war. She left me and the kids. She left her old friends and found new ones that "got" her and understood why she "had to do it" (her words). She has now spent years being angry but blaming me. What would you expect? If you did what she did, you wouldn't be happy about dealing with me either. If you suddenly did everything you said you hated and despised in others, wouldn't you want it to be "yes, but..." rather than you're the problem?

If they were people that faced their problems, it would be a different story, right?

WAS's destroy the lives of those who love them more than anyone, those who have stuck with them through good and bad times, but don't care at all. If my W had known someone who did what she is doing now a few years ago, she would have been appalled! Now she just does it and expects everyone to understand that it's what she must do.

...Dr. Phil and they acted the way they do, said the things that they say to us, the audience would want to hang them from the nearest telephone pole!

Um, yeah. That's why they pick new friends, right?

I'm so tired of dealing with this. I am so all around tired. I think I need to be careful and not fall into the trap of depression. I'm starting to avoid things I need to deal with and that isn't good. I just want some time to take a breath where there isn't some crisis caused by my W to deal with. Sorry to be so negative Heather. I just need to get my chit together and get back in the game!

exactly right, Matt. Your head is straying from perspective. Step back and you'll see this differently. You may also notice that if you don't engage, she will eventually go away. She wants you to fight. If it was me, I'd want to fight with you so you'll make a mistake and I can get out of paying you money. If I was that kind of person anyway.

You won't be in trouble (with anyone other than her) for what you don't say or don't do. Believe it or not, what you do or don't do won't matter - she'll want to be the victim so badly she'll make things up that she'll later forget.

I laugh at that last one. My ex has tried to forget most of what she accused me of, but her H (OM) won't seem to let me (her) forget it. The irony is not lost on me, and I've don't nothing different except try to not engage in conversation for years. If I were to engage in the battle, it would just result in her feeling like she is vindicated and making me even more tired of the already exhaustive journey I used to be on. Life's too short for that.

Let it play itself out without you engaging. The sooner you get that part, the sooner you can get the rest of your life on track.


AJ

[Matt165]

Thanks Heather and I am well aware how right you are!
I just am having trouble snapping out of it this time. Not sure why as of yet. But you are right and it's what MUST happen or all that's ahead is a downward spiral that neither myself nor my D can afford at this time. Thanks for the wake up. Wallowing is just so counter productive!

You know, when my W was depressed it seemed to me that depression is the ultimate in selfish wallowing. I'm not saying it's something that someone should just snap out of or not a sickness, it's just that the sickness causes a person to not be able to stop wallowing in all the bad. Stop just going over and over in their heads just how "wronged" they have been or how "bad" their life is. That's the last thing I need right now!