Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[AJM]

She knows she is wrong. She uses her tantrums as an avoidance mechanism, if she acts out, brings up all the other stuff like she did (like saying we didn't spend as much as we did or that I should have made more money like I was somehow at fault, etc.) it takes the subject off of what she is doing, how she is acting at that moment. Every time she doesn't get her way this is what she does. She goes off like a 14 year old yelling about how she had to leave because of this or that, tries to get me angry and say something that she can twist into looking like I'm being unreasonable.

and you expected...?

Here's the thing though, Matt. You are getting more and more angry. She's trying harder and harder to make you angry. To make you the bad guy. Guess what? My ex did the same. We were married for 20 years (almost to the day). I put her through several degrees, and as she was finishing up the last one to reach her life-long dream of becomming a doctor, she pulled a Crazy Ivan and left. It started out quietly and has become a cold-war. She left me and the kids. She left her old friends and found new ones that "got" her and understood why she "had to do it" (her words). She has now spent years being angry but blaming me. What would you expect? If you did what she did, you wouldn't be happy about dealing with me either. If you suddenly did everything you said you hated and despised in others, wouldn't you want it to be "yes, but..." rather than you're the problem?

If they were people that faced their problems, it would be a different story, right?

WAS's destroy the lives of those who love them more than anyone, those who have stuck with them through good and bad times, but don't care at all. If my W had known someone who did what she is doing now a few years ago, she would have been appalled! Now she just does it and expects everyone to understand that it's what she must do.

...Dr. Phil and they acted the way they do, said the things that they say to us, the audience would want to hang them from the nearest telephone pole!

Um, yeah. That's why they pick new friends, right?

I'm so tired of dealing with this. I am so all around tired. I think I need to be careful and not fall into the trap of depression. I'm starting to avoid things I need to deal with and that isn't good. I just want some time to take a breath where there isn't some crisis caused by my W to deal with. Sorry to be so negative Heather. I just need to get my chit together and get back in the game!

exactly right, Matt. Your head is straying from perspective. Step back and you'll see this differently. You may also notice that if you don't engage, she will eventually go away. She wants you to fight. If it was me, I'd want to fight with you so you'll make a mistake and I can get out of paying you money. If I was that kind of person anyway.

You won't be in trouble (with anyone other than her) for what you don't say or don't do. Believe it or not, what you do or don't do won't matter - she'll want to be the victim so badly she'll make things up that she'll later forget.

I laugh at that last one. My ex has tried to forget most of what she accused me of, but her H (OM) won't seem to let me (her) forget it. The irony is not lost on me, and I've don't nothing different except try to not engage in conversation for years. If I were to engage in the battle, it would just result in her feeling like she is vindicated and making me even more tired of the already exhaustive journey I used to be on. Life's too short for that.

Let it play itself out without you engaging. The sooner you get that part, the sooner you can get the rest of your life on track.


AJ