My wife began to pull away from me about 7 months ago. I pursued her and she said that she just needed space and time to sort out her feelings. I asked her on multiple occasions if there were someone else. Each time she denied it and gaslighted me. Then, 2 months ago she confessed that she had been having an affair. Her AP ended the affair 2 weeks prior to her confession. My waw also admitted to falling in love with him and out of love with me. (We have been married for 20 years, together for 30 and have 2 awesome kids, ages 13 and 20).
She did show remorse and a sincere desire to reconcile for about 3 days after the confession. She was afraid and hoped that we could save our relationship. I reacted as most would expect for someone who is shell shocked. I showed pain, anger and fear. Her stance on our marriage changed quickly and now she says "I dont see any way that our relationship could ever work". She was very unhappy for the past few years due to neglect and unmet expectations. She feels as though too much damage has been done and that I will never forgive her. She does not want to live under constant scrutiny and she feels like reconciliation would be moving backwards. She refuses to go backwards. She is going to individual counseling and he seems to be in the "do what makes you happy now" camp. No judgement, just stating what is.
Since her initial confession of the affair, I have learned that she brought him into our home on at least 2 occasions. What type of person can bring another man into her family home, have sex and then greet her family later that day like nothing happened? The images are chilling and This has really pushed me to my limits. I loved my wife but I do not love the woman who is here now. She has barely apologized to me and has actually made far more statements to hurt me than anything else. She regrets the affair because she chose a partner who was already involved with OW. (the reason HE ended the affair was because his ow, who is also married but separated, caught my waw leaving his house!) Here are a few more facts, sad but true:
Her AP is a spinning instructor. That is how they met. She still goes to the same spin studio but is not allowed to attend his class (part of his NC letter to her).
She goes out often without telling me anything. Stays out late, drinks too much, acts like a college kid on spring break.
I have been doing all of the wrong things. Pursuing, begging, snooping, fighting... I have tried to stop but I have only been able to hold out for a few days before something triggers these bad behaviors.
She is planning on moving out. I refuse to leave because she is the one who destroyed our marriage, she is the one who disrespected our home. She is the one who is not willing to commit to reconciliation.
Our 20 year old son knows about the affair. Our 13 year old does not. Also, her family and a few friends know about the affair.
The affair is supposedly over and her story is that she has had no contact with him for over 2 months. (I do not believe this is true but I have no way to confirm).
She says ILYBINILWY. Her sees me like a brother, not a spouse.
She still claims that she is in limbo. But her actions say that she has made up her mind to move forward. We had a family dinner planned last night at 8pm. She texted me at 8:15 saying that she was going out with a "friend" for a few drinks and would be home around 9pm. (which I knew was total BS). The kids and I ate without her. She came home at 10:30 and I asked her who the friend was. She gave me a female name. I asked her if there was anyone else and she snapped, "NO! I don't owe you any explanation, we are not a couple and I have not decided to work on this marriage". And off to bed she went.
Oh yeah, we have been sleeping in separate rooms for 6 months.
I would prefer that my marriage survive. My actions so far have achieved the exact opposite though. She has hurt me deeply and it makes me sick that I still have any desire to reconcile. It is like her body has been taken over by an alien, literally. I do not know who this woman is! Part of me wants to end the marriage today and move on with my life. I don't know if I could ever truly forgive her. I'm very conflicted.
Either way, I know that I need to stop pursuing her. I have ordered DR and it should be here today. I have read the 180 and the LRT, although I have not had the discipline to execute the steps. My waw has zero fear of losing me. In fact, all of her words and actions state that she is eager to get away from me. She has threatened moving out but has not left. Is my best option to simply follow the LRT to the letter and take it as it comes? My situation feels hopeless. I would appreciate any insights on whether or not I should continue to invest in this relationship.
My Hollywood script ending: She wakes up from this fog and shows sincere remorse and desire to reconcile. We agree to establish boundaries that apply to each of us. We get into MC. We communicate with respect. The love starts to return. The trust starts to return. We have hope instead of despair. Momentum builds in the right direction and we eventually put all of this behind us. I become a better husband and she returns to being a loving and trustworthy wife.
