Train, roll on ...

[Train]

This post, Wonka, is really helping me turn my thinking "inward."

And you know what just kinda "snapped" up in my noggin?

Part (A majority?) of this struggle may really be less about my H ... and more about ME.

*I* am the one who let myself go as a SAHM, which caused a huge hit in the confidence-department. I have power over that. I can choose not to let myself go. I can choose to keep myself healthy and fit. And H and I *are* going on dates now, and that gives me chances to pretty myself up a little and spend some time with him. I can choose to get out in the sunshine a little with my kids instead of staying all cooped up. There ARE plenty of volunteer opportunities out there. In fact, S8 and I will be volunteering for the homeless shelter as part of our "Christmas Around the World" studies in November and December.

I mean, I still freak out a little at the prospect of H leaving us high-and-dry again, with me having no income.

BUT, as long as we are actively working on ourselves and our M - and I'm keeping my finger on the pulse of our M - I shouldn't have to have that fear so prevalent in my mind anymore.

And, there ARE ways I can make money if I want to *right now*. They're all just so "domestic" feeling, which leaves sort of a "busting-balls" void in my life.

I've thought about freelancing again - and even recently had the opportunity to do so - but I feel that chapter of my life is over. I'm not sure I would enjoy it anymore.

I'll keep perusing part-time/at-home jobs that may give me my fix in that regard. I can even take the LSAT later this year just to see how I do. It doesn't mean I'm committing to anything. And I'll talk to H, too, and really strive to put it all out there. (But I'll probably wait a little while; the poor fella was diagnosed with a small hernia just yesterday, so we've got some bigger-than-small things on the ol' plate right now. Yikes.)

Thank you, as always, Wonka. <3