i love your certainty. I have my moments of it- reading your list of what you KNOW - i agree as well. will h ever know it? before he wrecks his own life - idk.
I hear you echo me in so many thoughts- i 'm wondering if it's the longevity here. I am waivering tho- i can feel it happening. i began more "bleeding" for sure- but more sure of what h was/is. now, i may be - uh hem - wrong. perhaps i've been wrong" about him and everyone my entire life? all along - one has to wonder.
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One of my 180s has been to be less distracted by my laptop...so in keeping with that I've taken a bit of a hiatus.
cripes - me too. this forum & people saved me for sure- now, i am trying to "not talk about it all" and not think about it all- and that laptop sitting there [censored] me in and over. i'm trying to keep away from it - i rant way too much and all it does is reopen all the old wounds.
i wonder if it's okay to just let it all go without ever really knowing or understanding or "fixing" or somehow "slotting" it all. that's me - i want it all labled for future reference and tucked in it's own little pigeon-hole. i have no lables or ability to do it with all this junk of past bunch of years.
could it really be as simple as "do you want to know this new guy or not" . would you even want to love him? or would you ever be able to trust him? and is that a deal breaker? not that i'm being invited to do so - mind you.
he just does not GO totally or demand that i do. he does pay the bills- huge. he does come back "because he enjoys my company" so he says???... he sure does not tell me what i want to hear- on other hand- he doesn't bash me on the head with what I don't want to hear. stalled? some days i don't give a darn what it is- just leave me be
idk- he's being v nice, little trips, pleasant companion- not crabby & critical & bossy. just a bit wierd now - after i see, in retrospect, lots of years of being crabby and solitary an so on. i wsa such a trusting & loving gal- i see now what a doofis i was too - what a selfish jerk and here's me doh de doh being "trusting" - i shudder to think of my blindness.
amazing what i'd become used to- looking back- the things i see now tht i never attached huge importance to. sure woulda been nice to have a r with someone that actually communicated instead of the awful way this all play3d out- - -
now, computer or person - if i don't talk about it- i'm alot more neutral and not thinking about "it". a good thing i think . how long can i keep the "memory alive" - perhaps i'm just letting go of my past more than ever. ?? i find the couple girlfriends that really want to "talk" it over and so forth- i end up feeling badly and all icky allover again when we're done. clouds my whole day- dragging me back into those awful feelings-
is it gal-ing? or copping out if i just leave it out of my mind now as much as possible? i don't feel all forgivie- i don't feel like "keepin" it alive anymore. like reliving an awful illness or something terrible.
i'm with you- the pussy footing when they're the nutballs is old - but i still mwd is right on the mark with her observations about this stuff.
i've been dbing i think for 3 or 4 years- he's asking me this mornnig for ideas & help with re-doing the outside of the house?!!, new sprinkler, walks, garden, pool? etc. surprises me- he's such a power freak- can't even believe he wants input. ineresting- who is this man?
i constantly wonder. where is old guy- did he exist- does it matter?? (i think so tho) , who is this new guy and is he worth even thinking of loving? (maybe not) is he worthy (liatr?) etc.
ya gotta wonder. maybe it's like coming home after a total mental breakdown - are ya same (on drugs) or are you totally different person whose being controlled by the drugs, etc.
no drugs involved- but huge questions aabout eactly who and what this new person is.
oh well- i'm makin myself tired- work to do
hopeyour day is good.
i'm jealous of your going out and dancin- i'm doin more-i can't figure otu when i'm down here- what the stinkin strategy is supposed to be. detached okay, nice but not mushy - okay; nice but not bending over backward - okay.
available? , i see friends & pick up neiced kids to play in agfternoons. they're a bit wacky- but i enjoy them a heck of alot and need the laughs and huggs - ALOT...
i always know about ow in the background somewhere. i don't see a sigh of her around here (i kn ow she comes here) - so, things calm or pleasant- BUT know about the dark undercurrents out there -
recipe for exhaustion huh? maybe a nap??
xxo My beacon may be shining , but the ole lighthouse is on rocks slowly sinking i think- sometimes goes under- in the hands of God i guess- i truly do not know much about it at all anymore. me or him
