I was just reading in brite future (n=maybe her new thread?) a convo you two were having- regarding changing friends? giving up condo? - and various just things long-time dbers ponder - once past the devastating pain portion of the show- all this residual "fallout" that is just, well, "around" in our lives.
I'm not so sure we can just get free of alllll of it. I think about runing away somewhere - (fantasy ). don't know why it seems appealing to begin over- then reality sets in and i end up thinking, maybe i'm wrong, but - that it's just more "stuff" we're going to have to plod thru in life - no matter how long it takes, etc. - it's part of our stupid journey with this mlc nutjob.
i'm not sure that even walking away from a cibdi m place, house, friends, alllll of it- the fallout left6 behind after bomb- like a nuclear bomb - just leaves tainted ground til it see's away over years and years. that's us - nuclear blast survivors on tainted ground. (well, make believe it encompassed entire world) no place to go to really get away from it all. it's forever more part of our past -
the nudges and rubs of friends and places, will remain forever i think (unfortunately). i don't want to be pessimistic- but i'm thinking every time i see a reference to England i feel badly- allll those years of wonderful trips, etc.
i just can't make whole contry disappear- and won't be able to duplicate it in any way by self or with someone new- it's just big and there and going to be there forever. (i still fantacize about living there tho - what the heck, it's sooo pretty & charming)
i'm getting more callous or detached or call ti whatever. the friends, the condo - the references or queries - they're just going to be with us forever.
perhaps we all have to just get good at deflecting inquiries - or get more inscrutible in our responses. sometimes i just want to tell people up north he died and they can just go away feeling embarassed but won't ask again, or something like that.
been tryin to just be me, same person as always and plug thru it all- thiking they can't "unknow" what they now know any more than i can.
a really unfortunate thing about it all- you can run but you can't hide. (i'm pretty sure.
if i change my mind and do run away and it's a wild success- i'll let ya know.
i think it was a logn time building- and will be a long long time un-building and letting it fall to runis.
no choice for us (very probably) can't change self, why would we want to - i mean totally or in response to him only??? we've just got to - muddle thru our portion of this journey -
this morning a neighbor told me the neigjbors all thought he'd killed me - as in "where have i been " - cripes.... oh well- I figure if i can live thru allllll this junk so far, and everyone alive knows he's cheating, it's so in all of our faces - I can't even feel embarassed any more , either that i'm still around or that he's what he is - maybe i'm getting "rhino skin?" one can hope -
but.... what can ya do - really ? gotta rise above it and float along the top i guess. I am more patient in life, i am more broadminded and "in the moment" - i am workin on self and this business of perhaps - my expectations of life, people, h are all a bit unreal- and i've spent past 63 years trying to create some alternate universe where everyone is nice essentially and well-meaning. etc. as usual- makin progress slowly- but far to go. pondering these truths of the universe is slow going.
