I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

Thanks. I had broken off the affair before she found out. I have had ZERO sexual interest or interaction with anyone since we split 2.5 months ago. I wish I could say she had hopes of reconciliation, but all I've heard from her from the beginning is, "It's over, go away, leave me alone, how could I trust you again?"

I know this will stoke some resentment and push back from members of the community, but part of me gets angry and upset that she is being so black and white about the whole thing. She's the victim and I'm the perpetrator. She's spent very little energy on trying to understand ME and WHY this may have happened. I know that doesn't matter to her. She's said, "It doesn't matter WHY it happened, It matters THAT is happened." I understand that, but I also feel like if we really had a deep love that she'd want to put her anger aside and talk about it. No?

I mean, I never PURPOSEFULLY hurt her. That would imply malicious intent. My affair was a result of delusional thinking -- thinking that I NEEDED another person to feel whole, thinking I'd never get caught, thinking what you don't know can't hurt you. It was all SICK, distorted thinking. But at no point did I decide "I'm going to hurt this woman who loves me so much." Yes, that was the result of my terrible, awful decisions, and I own that, but I'd warn against ascribing ill-intent to those actions.

I know this community says to wait and let her heal. But I get so scared that the longer I wait, the further she goes away from me. I know my efforts to maintain contact have only upset her. I'm hearing the crystal clear advice from Bond, Maybell, Zeus and others. I'm just wondering how we know these tactics work? Is it from your own experience?

I'd love to learn more...