I have books and businesses and dreams inside me that have never come out. I've lived with fear of failure, fear of being "found out" as a fake, fear of intimacy and commitment. I have never had that cool, calm self-confidence of the men I admire. I've PRETENDED to have it for years, and I people often believe me, but it never lasts.
You sound remarkably like my H....who also had an affair. Who claims that he loves me still. Who was unable to shut off the affair when I asked him, too.
He also feels like he's a failure, and worried about being "found out" as someone who didn't have as much experience as other men.
What makes you think that MOST people aren't faking it?
Honestly - I'm someone who feels this way in other areas of my life...My IC called it "the imposter" syndrome. I think a lot of people feel like they're going to be exposed as a fraud at any time. I call it the superiority-inferiority complex. I'm better than most folks at x, but I'm not really as good as the people around me.
I hope that you get a chance to prove yourself right to your fiancee. I will tell you that 21 years into a relationship with my H, I never in a million years would have believed you if you told me that he would hurt me on purpose. But he did. He absolutely chose to hurt me, and he chose not to stop hurting me, because he was addicted to this other broken human being. There is something so painful, so devastatingly awful, when the person you have entrusted your heart to does this to you. At one point I thought that he could make it up to me...the longer this goes, the more I wonder. I know that my view on romantic love has altered as a result of this event.
Best of luck to you on working through your issues and on restoring your relationship.
