I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

The mornings are the hardest. The empty bed. My tiny apartment in the city. We used to live at her place out by the beach. We'd wake up to the sound of waves crashing. My eyes would open, and I'd see her already awake, gazing at me with a good morning smile on her face. We'd have breakfast together and talk about what was on tap for the day.

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for hurting her so much. I can't really comprehend how I could look so much love in the eye and do what I did. This wasn't an affair out of boredom or routine. This was simply feeling like I needed "more" to feel good about myself. More power. More adventure.

My relationship was very stable and domesticated from the outset. She was SO sweet and SO kind, but something about that made my body think it wasn't fun or electric. I'm one of those people who only feels alive when there's a controversy or tons of passion. I know I need to get over that if I'm ever going to be happy in a stable, loving relationship.

And in the meantime, I miss her like the sun. I see how worthy of my love she is. I know exactly what I lost. She was the love of my life, and as Maybell said, I took her heart out and stomped on it. The guilt of totally overwhelming. The desire to make it right with her overcomes me sometimes.

Today is 20 days of No Contact. Which feels like 20 days without eating. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

DB