Today the radio was playing the song "Carry On" by Crosby, Stills, and Nash (I don't think Young was with them yet...). GREAT lyrics, and a song I've loved forever and ever.
"One morning I woke up and I knew you were gone; A new day, a new way, and new eyes to see the dawn; Go your way, I'll go mine - carry on.
The sky is clearing and the night has gone out; The sun (son?) he come, the world to soften up; Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on."
This song is about detaching! Rejoice! We have no choice but to carry on!
Here's a link to my original thread (which was getting long) MLP Thread 1
So...I'm in a little bit of a different boat because I have a clinging boomerang on my hands. My MLC WAH is at home, which carries with it its own set of challenges. I've struggled with boundaries somewhat, particularly physical ones. We also have two teenaged children who recognize that dad is moody ("Whoa - who is on his man-period?" asked 13S once recently), but for whom I am trying to maintain a fairly normalized household. Challenging!
Since I found DR and DB, I have not discussed his EA/PA with him AT ALL. I've done a few 180s, which I admit have meant conceding to do things with him that I didn't do before (he always wanted me to play an online game with him, and I never would....now I do. I admit it's kind of fun!). Other 180s include not showing him the crying mess that I was for a while. I've also stopped having expectations of him. "I'm going for a walk in the national park. Do you want to come?" He can come if he wants. He can stay home and play his video game if he wants. I don't care. I get my walk! The boy and I are going to play frisbee. Want to play? (He had a temper tantrum about this - seriously...because he wanted us all to play the video game. I calmly said we'd play after frisbee. We played. He joined us. He ultimately said it was fun. Yeah - okay.)
I've STOPPED doing a lot of things I used to do for him (another 180!). There used to be reminders of stuff he needed to do: get a haircut, fill out certain paperwork, etc. etc. There are natural consequences for not doing those things, and he can feel those.
I don't engage him in conversation as much anymore. He's in la-la land, so I don't think he even notices. Occasionally he'll emerge just long enough to ask me a personal question (which takes me by surprise). But as a general result, conversations that we have revolve around him and his MLC world of bizarre-o-land.
So - the detachment is gradual, but it does make me feel better. I have longer strings of days where I'm not panicking anymore. I watch him out of the corner of my eye, knowing he's going to do what he's going to do. If necessary, more boundaries will be set up--it's definitely something that I'm starting to understand the value of. But for now, things are tolerable. Far from perfect, but tolerable.
My heart aches for everyone here. I know that the journey is awful...And it's hard for those of us in the MLC boat to even believe that we're here. "Who are you and what have you done with my spouse!" I felt that way for months. Now I know that the old guy isn't coming back. I hope the new guy is better. We just need time....
Detach. Find friends. Get individual counseling. Take care of yourself (eating and exercising and sleeping). Know that the universe is unfolding as it should.
