My H moved out about a month ago. The separation came as a surprise in the sense that he had already made all of the arrangements before telling me, but I was aware that there were problems in the marriage. We've been in counseling for about six months, although we're currently on hiatus and we may switch counselors when (if?) we go back.
I was aware of DB/DR techniques prior to the separation and have been implementing them since he left, albeit with some lapses here and there. I have surprised myself (and my H, I think) with how well I've been doing. The DB response feels natural to me, not forced -- which is the exact opposite of how I'd pictured myself responding to a separation before this happened.
H's primary reason for separating is that he perceives a high amount of conflict in the relationship, which is making him anxious. H is extremely conflict avoidant and has been holding onto small grievances that have, over time, caused him to withdraw from me emotionally. I picked up on his withdrawal about 2 years ago. Initially, we tried to work on the marriage ourselves, but we started counseling about 6 months ago because things weren't getting any better on their own.
During an argument in Feb, he told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He later claimed that he was just mad when he said that, but it triggered a deep insecurity in me and we entered a pursuer-distancer phase. He claimed that he was committed, but his actions didn't match his words so I pursued additional reassurances, which caused him to withdraw even more (as happens in a pursuer-distancer dynamic). Then our MC would tell him to stop sending me mixed signals, he would reaffirm his commitment, and we would start the cycle all over again. (I was aware of the 180 concept at the time but chose not to implement it because I felt it would backfire. H was claiming to be committed and making an effort; if I'd gone dark on him he would have viewed that as a rejection of his efforts.)
The other problem (and the one that, I think, immediately precipitated H's decision to separate) is that we had been trying, off and on, to have another baby for several years. Our mutual procrastination was a source of frustration for me in the relationship, and it was something that I wanted to sort out with him in counseling. In retrospect, this shouldn't have even been on the table, but at the time I thought that we were just going through a rough patch, that one of the reasons for the rough patch was my resentment over this issue, and that resolving it would help us improve our relationship. H would make promises and then back away from them. The baby issue became a proxy for how secure I judged the relationship to be. The conversations were causing H a tremendous amount of stress, but he didn't let on that it was so severe that he was thinking of leaving. The ironic part is that I had started to feel more secure in our relationship due to other improvements we'd made, that I would have been okay to postpone having another baby (or even talking about it) for a while, if I'd known how he really felt.
For the sake of clarity, conflict for us generally means long, drawn-out conversations. We don't tend to yell or call each other names, although that does happen occasionally (maybe once or twice a year).
So, the positives:
1. When H told me he was leaving, he said that he wanted to continue working on our relationship and this doesn't have to be the end of us. He does not want to D at this time and has asked me to keep all doors open, if I'm willing. 2. H says that he still loves me, he still cares about me, and he is still sexually attracted to me. I asked if he was still in love with me and he said that was the same thing. So, no ILYBINILWY. 3. There is no OW and he doesn't want us to date other people while we are S. 4. H is in a rental nearby and we have seen and talked to each other often since he left. He says that he is getting the space he needs and that he has missed me. 5. H is initiating small gestures of affection when we greet/part (hugs, kisses on the lips, ILY). 6. We've ML twice since the separation, with plans to continue doing so on at least a weekly basis. 7. We've both talked to attorneys (and I am one) but H does not want to do a legal separation because he thinks it would harm our chances at R in the future. We are currently sharing time with our D 50-50.
And, the negatives:
1. H is not actively working on the marriage right now, only himself. H is trying to meet me in the middle in terms of what I need, but I told him that I consider us to be in the "keeping doors open" phase until he decides that he wants to work on the M. 2. H acknowledges that he may never be ready to work on the M. This is, of course, the scariest part for me. 3. I am still initiating most of the contact, especially in terms of asking for "dates." I have struggled with this because one of the things that I had been working on in MC was to take the initiative (and to be comfortable taking the initiative) rather than impose unspoken expectations on my H to do so. We've discussed it since the separation and H says that he is fine with me continuing to ask, so long as it's okay if he says no. So far, he's only said no once, and he complimented me on how well I responded. 4. I am definitely getting mixed signals. H asked for a 6 month separation, but he signed a 12 month lease. I am also in a rental (which we previously shared). The lease ended this month. At first, H assumed that I would re-sign this lease for another year, but when I expressed reservations about doing so, H told me to just go month-to-month for now and we can re-evaluate our situation in another month. On the one hand, I like the idea of being able to re-evaluate where we stand on a monthly basis, but on the other hand, I feel like H hasn't put much thought into what an R would look like in terms of living arrangements, etc -- which makes me think that R is not really much of a priority for him.
My 180s:
1. Patience. I have to back off. I pressured him before the separation, and it didn't work. I have the gift of time, I shouldn't squander it. 2. Turning to family and friends instead of H for emotional support. When I want to pick up the phone and call H, I call someone else instead. 3. Get a life. We're somewhat new to this area and I don't have many friends here yet. I am getting out and meeting new people as well as reconnecting with old friends who happen to be in the same metro area.
