Right now, the choices you make are for you. Keep in mind - SHE MIGHT NOT EVEN NOTICE. She is in the la-la land fog of her own brain right now. Welcome to bizarre-o-land.
Sometimes I took my wedding rings off, because I felt like it was MY choice to do so. It helped me feel empowered, like I was making my own decisions.
I've gone back to wearing them all the time.
He never noticed whether I was wearing them or not.
So...detach for yourself. If taking off your rings helps you detach, then do so. I think that detaching from her is what she will notice...not whether or not you have on your rings. Detach, get a life, be pleasant but don't pursue.
Do you have a counselor? Can you afford a DB counselor? They're probably the best people to help you. If not - there are good threads here about detaching.
"Question - She took off her wedding ring , should I remove mine too or continue to wear it to show Im not giving up ."
All this is still you trying to control her reaction. If you want to take it off, do it. If you want to leave it on, do it. But you have to stop trying to base your actions off of what you think she is going to think about it.
You said you read the DB/DR book. Go back to that. No expectations of how she should or shouldn't be reacting to something you do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You already know that she isn't hearing you. She doesn't care to listen. As for the ring, what does wearing it say to you and your kids? Personally, I wore mine until I wasn't married anymore. I didn't give up until then.
She has her own demons to work out now. Work on you and being a stable and strong parent for your kids. Focus on that and you will start to feel better, I promise.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Im trying to work on me guys . Its very difficult to watch her suffer and work on me . Shes been having a real tough time and I hurt for her . But I know I must stop doing this and concentrate on me and my boys . It means alot of alone time which is very very difficult to deal with . I used to enjoy my alone time but now it scares the crap out of me . I know get out and GAL but Im too tired alot of nights after work to do alot
Shes crying alot and she says that work is her sanity . I dont know anything about her affair at all now . I dont know if they are in deep or going the other way . I want to know just to understand my position in all this at this stage
Please chime in guys this is really tough . I know I dont need to tell you guys this
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I am not that familiar with your story, but I stumbled on this one!
Originally Posted By: dawgy
I used to enjoy my alone time but now it scares the crap out of me . I know get out and GAL but Im too tired alot of nights after work to do alot
This is YOUR choice and only yours. The feeling of loneliness is very common here and I am very familiar with the feeling of alone-time that you describe.
The case is that you can work around this, but you need to change your view:
FIRST: I you are tired then go to bed – if you are not in bed, then start doing something that makes you either happy or tired. SECOND: You are talking about a feeling and that comes from within you. That means that you have the power to change that feeling (took me a year to comprehend this, so be patient) You can actually change things happening around you, so you will feel better or you can decide that the feeling you feel is OK and that alone will make you feel better.
So either decide that it is ok to feel scared or lonely OR make a list of what makes you tired or happy! I can’t make that list for you – nobody but you can. If you read through the threads here you will find that many LBS starts exercising, take up a new hobby, redecorate homes, reconnect with old friends and so on….it is absolutely doable but it demands a decision, determination and work. Unfortunately it also takes time but at the moment we all have that at hand.
The “I am to tired” will get you absolutely nowhere here! I know the feeling so well. Tired, sad, thinking about the WAS but you have to man up and start doing something.
You already know all of this – now make it happen!
Oh….do get a signatureline on your posts – helps everybody identify!
All the best F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Hi Dawgy, I'm struggling with the same question re wedding ring. My H removed his immediately when we separated 8 weeks ago. I still wear mine for a few reasons. Emotionally - I don't want to be seen as available when I consider that I am not. Practically - I don't want to have to deal with questions from work colleagues, plus it feels weird not wearing something on that finger.
But I am rethinking my stance after reading another post that suggested that wearing a wedding ring could be interpreted by WAS as pursuing. Rather than go nude, I'm considering getting myself a funky looking ring to wear on that finger to symbolize my current "confused" marital status.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
yeah i considered taking it off a couple times but I dont know what to do . I could see that being seen as persuing for sure . I never looked at it that way . My main concern is I dont want her to think Ive given up although I have been advised that I shouldnt be concerned with what she may think
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
