Sorry you're here and wishing you lots of strength, support, and comfort.
Right now you're focused on day to day, and that's ok. I think you should put more thought into the 180s you're doing. They should be based on things you did wrong in the R. And while that's not to say that you did everything wrong, or that everything your H would say is something you should change, you darn sure should take time to understand his perspective and try to figure out where you do feel you were wrong. The more mistakes you can admit to, the more changes you can make, the healthier you can become, the happier you will be. And the more likely for a miracle to occur.
You were asked what your H would say if he were here. You started to reply, were fairly vague (smothered, unappreciated), then started to talk about his hypocrisies and you had issues with him as well. That isn't going to work. You have to dig deeper and avoid defensiveness and deflection.
Smothered and unappreciative are his feelings. What did YOU do specifically that he feels contributed to him feeling this way? Where in those behaviors can you accept you were being unreasonable? What insecurity on your end caused you to rationalize those behaviors?
Now...what can you do to grow in those areas? And how would the woman you want to grow into behave differently than you are now, specifically within the nature of the encounters you're having with your H?
That's digging in, growing, and doing 180s.
I know this is new and applaud you for getting through the days. I really do. You acknowledged you were jealous and insecure a bit, that's a good start. Channel your anxiousness into focused activity and it will feel good to do something productive with it, particularly something that will make you stronger, healthier, and closer to the W only a fool would leave. GOOD LUCK!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
