25yearsmic: I agree with you. My wife can only rage for so long. And I do what you suggest. I always leave the area. In fact this is why I moved out. I couldn’t take her anger anymore.
Maybe I used the wrong choice of words when I said I don’t want to “reward her bad behavior.”
What I should have said is my when my wife started arguments I should have walked away instead of engaging her. I think this was my biggest mistake when I lived at home. She would start a fight and instead of leaving I would try to calm her down. But nothing ever calmed her down.
Even when I would say, “I completely agree with you. You are 100% right.” She would reply, “I don’t want you to agree with me.”
How do you survive in that kind of environment?
I don’t think I withhold affection or kindness from my wife. I say I love her every day when she leaves for work. But to be honest I don’t want a physical relationship with her.
The first time I left her was a year ago.
Since moving home we’ve only had sex once.
She tried to initiate sex with me more often but I’m not interested. I’m pretty up front about my reason. I told her she wounded me deeply with her words and I don’t know if I can commit to this marriage. Without commitment I don’t want to have sex. I think it messes up the decision-making process.
My wife has brought up the Love Languages book. She has also brought up the Language of the Apology. I read both. I think I have spoken to my wife in her “love language.” But it still doesn’t matter. I think she is just a very angry person.
I don’t think the issue is being more attractive to her. My wife has made it clear she doesn’t want a divorce. In fact she refuses to divorce me (we are Catholics). I also didn’t want to give the impression that I’m a pouting spouse. I’m not.
My wife wants me to move back home. She begs me to move back home. I can go home anytime I want. But I don’t think this is the best route to go. If I go home she will be angry and abusive again. I went back home last year and she didn’t change.
I understand “changing my wife” isn’t the objective on this site but unless she stops yelling and name-calling I won’t go home. So divorce is my only option.
This breaks my heart because I don’t want a divorce and neither does she.
When you say I should set boundaries I think this is what I did by moving out. I feel I am drawing a line in the sand by saying, “No more verbal abuse.”
I don’t want to go to Retrovaille or anything with my wife yet. Like I said, I don’t want to reward her bad behavior. I think she would see a weekend retreat for marriages in crisis as a “weekend getaway.” Which means the next time she wants a vacation she will start acting out. I know it sounds crazy but I can’t take this chance.
I did watch all the you.tube videos of Michelle Weiner-Davis and they were very informative.
To CMF: I’m not sure why my wife was reading my emails. She confronted me after she read an email from a high school buddy who told me to divorce her. It was from an email account she didn’t know about. She said, “What are you telling people about me!” And I said, “Quit snooping through my stuff.”
Then I changed my passwords.
Two days later she stomped into the bedroom holding my laptop. She wanted to know why I put a security lock on it. Again, I told her to quit snooping through my stuff. She threw my laptop at me and told me I had two choices: I could quit lying to her or I could leave.
I gave her a couple of weeks to calm down but she would not calm down. She told me either I took the security lock off my computer or I move out.
So I moved out.
I don’t think I am passive/aggressive. I think I am a very calm and rationale person. It is my wife who has the anger issues.
I will agree I am not the best husband. And I will admit I could do things much better in the relationship.
I would love to go to a DB coach. But it is impossible to even get to square one right now. She would love to go to marriage counseling. She likes telling the counselors how terrible I am. She is very manipulative. After 3-4 sessions marriage counselors are on her side and it becomes the Bob-bashing hour where I get to listen to everyone tell me what a terrible husband I am.
I am really hurt. I don’t know if I can adequately express how wounded I am by her words. She is verbally abusive. She calls screams at me and calls me names. I never do this to her. I have always treated her with respect. I don’t know what a victim of domestic violence feels like but I’m pretty sure it is something like this.
I have drawn a line in the sand. I won’t go home again until she accepts her anger problem and seeks help for the way she emotionally abuses me. If I go back on my word she will never respect me. I feel trapped.
I can’t go backward and I don’t know how to go forward. I just feel hopeless.
She insists that she has apologized. She insists that she is working on her communication skills but I don’t see change. Last week I saw her for the first time in a week. It was the first time we had spoken all week and of course we got into a screaming match. And she said she couldn’t believe “anyone could be this stupid.”
My jaw dropped.
She still wasn’t getting it.
The minute we start fighting she launches right back into familiar patterns. It’s like living with the enemy.
