I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

"If you let her be, respected her pain, and really concentrated on being a better person, you would be asking different questions.

If you really FELT her pain and understood the way you eviscerated her with your actions, you would be on your knees just asking for forgiveness and understanding that she is her own person who had a right to be treated with love and respect and honor."

Thank you for the straight talk, Maybell. I WANT to know what questions to ask. And I have gotten on my knees and begged for forgiveness, but apparently even asking for forgiveness is a selfish act. So, at this point, if i ever do contact her again, it will likely be simply to apologize and tell her I release her. Holding on to the fantasy of reconciling is actually making me even sicker right now. I'm having panic attacks, not sleeping, not eating well. I have the anxious feeling coursing through my veins all day, everyday. It's even worse these last two days since seeing her on Saturday night at a party.

I hear you when you say I haven't really stopped being selfish. She said the same thing. I didn't get it at first, but I do now. I want to be the man she fell in love with, whether or not she ever loves me again -- because he's a pretty damn good man. He volunteers with kids, he works on self-improvement, he gives back to the community, he's creative and dynamic, he plays music and dances. And until now, he's had a dark side that is lustful and lacking confidence.

I'm working to heal that darkness. I really am. And I know that healing includes letting her go. Normally when I go through a break-up or a rough patch, I escape to coping behaviors like shopping, dating, drinking, or travel. This is THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE when I am engaging in NONE of those behaviors. My only "acting out" right now has been contacting her, and I haven't done that for 19 days.

I know this does not sound like any great accomplishment, but it's seriously the only thing I have to be proud of right now. I am fully "sober" for the first time in over 20 years. The rest of my life I've "coped" with things outside myself. Now it's really just me. And I HATE what I see. I hate what i've done. And the pain makes me want the security blanket of our relationship back.

I will not reach out to her. I will honor her space. And I will let her continue to hate me if that's what she needs to do. I really don't know how on earth she would ever hear through the grape vine that I'm "changed." Because no one knew I had this problem -- I had hidden it so well. Perhaps just getting my life together, making more money, not dating anyone at all will be indicators of growth. Or maybe not. Maybe as soon as it ceases to matter if I'll ever get her back will be the greatest indicator of growth.

So, thanks. If you have any more advice on how I can have more empathy for her, how I can "ask the right questions," I am all ears.

-DB