lost and desperate

[25yearsmlc]

I could really use some feedback here.

It think I'm doing a fair job of following Sandi's rules and being a woman anyone would be a fool to leave. H and I have gotten along wonderfully lately and that feels great. I guess I just keep doing what I'm doing?


The alternative is to do what, go back to what we know does NOT work?

Think about the implication of your question. Either you want to quit now b/c it's too hard, or---what I fear you are asking is--

"when can I ask/push him to come home? When can I make him do what I want him to do?"

And the answer to that is "YOU don't".

You let him come to you when HE trusts that your changes are real, and permanent AND when he feels he can retrieve his feelings for you....

you have ALMOST no control over that...I say "almost" b/c we do know ways you can wreck your chances...don't we?

So the short answer is you do not push for more -- and you keep doing what is working,

which is being kind and NOT criticizing him and being in the moment too, not maneuvering to get your way or trying to control the outcome, not forcing him to parent the way you parent, or to order what you'd order,

and letting him be a father, not an accessory to the mother.

So, You Stay the course. Make sense?



He'll be moving out soon. Today we talked about what furniture he plans to take with him and where he'll find a bed for d. He did say he was preferring to rent this one place that already had a washer/dryer and fridge because he'd hate to spend big money on appliances if he could be back after 3-6 months. We talked about what we'd tell d, too, and maybe I paid too much attention but what he wants to say now is completely different than what he wanted to say 1-2 weeks ago.

I'm scared because I've made some changes and I know he notices but doesn't trust them or their longevity, I get that, but I feel like it's not going to get much better, you know? My outward behavior is significantly different and I've noticed his has changed significantly too.

And so, you think with TIME it won't make any difference? You think a week or two of decent behavior is enough to know what he'll want? I do not agree.
Remember the 'math' of it? Do the math...

consistent change + sufficient time = change HE can believe in....


Keep on with the changes. In TIME you'll see if his heart softens but it will take TIME. A general "rule" (which means it'[s a ball park IDEA of time) is that about a month of new contrasting behavior is needed, to counter every year of mistreatment you had.

So if you were married for 10 years and treated him poorly the whole time, that means you don't even bother looking for a softened manner in him, for 10 months...a month for every year, of behavior that you want to "un-do".

This means you must be as patient as you have ever been, and THEN, you must multiply your patience by 1064 times...and then maybe you'll be patient enough.

Okay? I hope things keep solidifying and improving. IT's not a linear process, so remember that too.


He is MUCH less negative (though I wouldn't say he's positive), he's listening more, respectful, and hilarious (he's always been hilarious though).

Wow, this is great...but notice, notice....You begin well with the observations but then, Note the negative caveats above^^...

you can just say "he's less negative" or "he's more positive"

rather than Though I wouldn't say he[s positive"...do you see that? And he's hilarious does not need to be followed by a comment that says "though he was already hilarious"....See, you are lessening/negating the praise even as you give it.


So, just be MINDFUL of that little stuff -b/c it adds up to big stuff.

The term "mindfulness" is very in vogue lately. I think it's a great word.

To me, Being "mindful" helps us live life with more clarity and intention

, not just falling over factors, ('in love'), or into a new life or job or home or relationship, but to live on an intentional course we lay out for ourselves and follow.

That's how we need to live. Now you are more mindful of being in the moment, feeling some JOY- and that's huge.

You could really pull this off if you can stay the course.


I guess it comes down to my changes radiating so he can see that they're real and not lip service

Yes absolutely AND also b/c you are showing him, you are modeling for him, some

"TO DO" beliefs, some GOOD positive attitudes and behaviors...and he may be starting to trust that you are really changing.

But it'[s SO EARLY right now that I would not trust HIM - Changing his mind on anything at this point.

If he said "Oh, you have changed w and now I'm fine and will stay"---

I would NOT trust ^^that! I would know he just caved in from fear, and would leave home again, soon...as soon as the next conflict comes. And you will have conflict...

He cannot change back that fast, and mean it.

So don't rush him b/c of your fears, or you will do that at your own peril.

Get yourself some conflict resolution skills and new tools for communication ASAP. And

Let HIM take his time, let him have the space and distance to SEE who you are becoming and what he'll be missing...

so you can both be sure of what you are doing. D

o not rush this or he'll bolt, and then it'll be a lot more likely to be over.



and in the mean time I'll dig deeper, do more 180s, GAL and try super hard to be more patient through this separation transition.

Are you seeing a good solution based Therapist? You need to, and you need some conflict resolution skills. Those are big items but without them, no marriage will last, let alone with your history.

You need new positive role models for you to handle so when you next feel stress you do not revert to your old ways IT's one thing to know what NOT to do, but in times of crisis it's so easy to revert, you must get replacement models for what TO DO in crisis or stress. What do healthy happy people do when they are furious?

Things like that are key for you to get while you are calm and relatively happy.

Am I on the right track here? I need some reassurance. I'm not needy with h but apparently I'm needy with your feedback. Gah!

You are on the right track and surely you know it.


But stay the course. Your option would be, what, to ruin things by demanding more? You wanted to say "hey, I changed for a whole week.So forget the past 5 years and STAY NOW!!"

I mean, is that what you'd propose? I thought not...so stay the course and get those tools while you have this gift of time.

And detach. BTW, How are your GAL?

We hammer them b/c they work and you need to focus on something and someone OTHER than your h and marriage.

Later on I'll post some GAL that helped me and they were NOT easy but they sure paid off.

make sense?