Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

Thank you LA bug, for that. After he came home I realized I was totally over-reacting to how I thought my text came across to him. Of course I had to explain to him that I just wanted to give him a heads up, but then later realized it might have sounded accusatory. He said he didn't think anything of it.

Ugh, I realize how far from detached I am lately. Whenever I feel a glimmer of hope I start slipping back into those bad habits of having to fix everything. But when I accept that it is over and I am done and fed up with it, I slip into the opposite bad habits where I feel the need to call him out on everything.

And he is good at turning things around on me. I didn't even realize he did it, until I was explaining to a coworker about the positive conversation we had over the weekend, and she pointed out that once again he blamed his bad behavior on me. I didn't even pick up on it. I went to a double al-anon meeting today. I want to rush it and start the steps already, but I realized I still have a ways to go. When I first started going I thought, hey I already have these first three steps down pat, piece of cake. But then I realized I might know these things cognitively, but I haven't really gotten to the point of acceptance yet. I tend to rush through things, get all gung ho and do a lot of prepartory work before starting, then when I start I think I already know everything I need to know that I don't allow myself to get as much out of it as a should. And of course, then I get bored and burn out and quit. But I know if I really want to change, I need to take it slow and work the steps as it is intended. I am just in such a hurry to get better! But reality is getting better is a life long struggle, not something that I can speed through and get my "You Are Now Perfect" certificate at the end of it.