I think I've found out about some things lately. It's all the dueling thoughts, what's right what's wrong? In theory that's great, buts it not that simple. As a man with low self esteem, I look to others for answers, I can't do that though. I have to find my own answers, it doesn't matter what others think. This came from my boss asking me if I filed for D or not yet? I said no, I am not done yet! He looked puzzled, been divorced twice himself, made me really think. I didn't say much after that. He wouldn't understand.
That's the problem, it's accepted to just give up. That's part of my issue. The pattern to give up is there. Everytime I think about giving up that's why, it's not that I want to, it's easy, everybody would think I was crazy for keeping up the battle. Is this why there are so many divorces today? Everybody just wants to give up, also got me thinking about my episode with OW.
It was totally wrong to tell my woes and problems with another female, and then equally wrong for her to tell me she thought I was perfect for her and we would be great together. Not only was I telling her my issues she was telling me her issues. It's not about whether or not you are right with someone, a shoulder to cry on is okay, but a true connection is what you need. I had that at one point with W, it's not there anymore, but possibly could be. I am actually upset with the OW and myself for falling into the trap.
Also got me thinking about other things. I have such a hard time with respect of women as is, how can I respect anyone now? I am trying to learn how to respect others more. It's not an easy task, but I am trying. The respect being gone is because I didn't respect myself at all. Every word they was even close to something I was doing wrong are at me, every time I felt angry or overwhelmed I saw only a thing to make feel like me, not my W. I see only something meant for my pleasure, sexual or otherwise. It wasn't always like that, just got worse the poorer I saw myself. At one point in time, I treated the W like a queen. That's what I really want, a queen for my meager kingdom.
I just want to have a life that's happy. A family that is solid, and myself happy doing what I want to do. I am trying, but finding it hard to keep it up. I do not want to give up and won't, until she tells me it's over for good. I just don't know if I can be the man she wants, and make all the changes needed for me let alone her. I will have to find that strength inside me. Sorry for the length, just needed to blow some steam. I am going to try and enjoy my girls for the next few days. Everyone be safe, and think positive.
