First post, DENIAL was my HAPPY PLACE!!

[Shining]

K,
Walked too heavy? Oh, that's precious. They sure find the strangest thing to make us self-obsess!

GREAT advice. All of it. Thank you.

So, for the "First": you are so right about the kids. They are doing well, overall. We don't discuss H anymore. I was not good about that in the first weeks of S, but after reading and counseling, I learned I had to do better for them. H topic is off limits, and I redirect my thoughts about 95% of the time. Still working on the backslide-5%. With their sports, S17(x2)graduation, practice driving for S15, D13 social events, my GAL, and this board, I have found far more productive things to do with our time. They are my world:)

"Second": I have been waffling about getting attorney, and yes, for the very reason you listed, fear of finality. You have me convinced. I have a contact to call. Sigh. I'm doing it. Smart to know options, for sure. I can't be irresponsible, especially because of kids.

"Third": Interesting about possible concussion. I'm curious to learn more about the effects. I hadn't put that together.

"Fourth": Yes, I agree with that. If H was being honest then, and he actually did miss doses, he is in trouble. The one fortunate thing is that he is aware of his depression. He is aware he has chemical imbalances, and that he has a history now of dangerous and irrational behavior. He has an inkling but continues to run. My SIL is a C. She addressed with me the possibility of another attempt, and what would I do "if". I know it is a possibility he will try again. I actually think it's highly likely. H is very sensitive, and he absolutely adored me at one time. When he was in rehab, he said he struggled to forgive himself for doing that to us. That's how he's wired. I'm terrified that he will believe he has to take that way out, rather than work through things for himself, much less face me and our R.

"Fifth": you are so right about stepkids. We actually did well for a long time. We didn't see his at all until 2 1/2 years ago. Only had SS, as an adult. We agreed I was not his parent (although he did call me Mom, another story...). H was to handle things if there was an issue. It didn't work, because I was the tattler between my kids to H if there was a problem. (And by problem, I'm not talking so-and-so left the seat up, I'm talking harm). All 4 of mine took to H right away, and he seemed to love them. It very well could have been a mask in hindsight. But kids benefitted regardless. In the early years, was a great teacher, example, funny, silly, supportive, kind, loving, affectionate, everything I dreamed of. It was EXACTLY when (and I know how this seems, but bear with me) SS moved in, things changed drastically. I love SS. I didn't love all of his behaviors, nor the fact that we were "unprotected" since H didn't believe in consequences for SS. Strange..... I have gone back and read emails from H for the month prior, and the month after SS moved in, and H tone and wording are remarkably different. H family and our friends noticed H was becoming tense, and made comments to me about it, too. None of this is SS fault, any more than it is mine. He did what he was allowed to do. We all do, to an extent. If I could do it over, I don't think I would have ever turned SS away. Just might have kept quiet and taken kids away more. It wouldn't have prevented MLC, tho....

Credit report- will do. I need to get my head in the game and stop the denial. But I don't really have denial.... (get it?)

I still get mad at H when stuff happens, but it's short-lived and H never sees it now. I'm always friendly toward him, which I found easy to do early on.

He has noticed how much I've benefitted from working out. I used to think I would feel great if he noticed. Now I know it doesn't mean what it used to mean. It's not even a compliment. It's more of a "hmmm. So NOW you look good."

This part of detachment I do have: His irrational behavior. I do know it's not about me.

I made the decision long ago, based on my Dad teaching me very young, and a thread here (I'll need to look up whom to credit), that I WILL forgive H for everything, no matter what. Divorced or together. I do not believe he is intending to hurt anyone. I already forgive him for what has happened, and I'm prepared to do so everyday, as long as he lives.

It's mostly for me, and it's how I have always been. It is my hope that it may help him when he wakes up. Even if we're divorced. It seems like the human thing to do.

The man I knew is not in control of this. Clearly. He would never do this if he was able to think like himself. How can I not forgive?