Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

A long post with some questions:

I’m rereading DB and finally got DR (slow shipping), and I’ve been working my way through all kinds of forum threads here. I’m trying to figure out what I should be doing when H. gets back from his trip.

I think I have the GALs mostly under control and I know what I need to do there. I’m out running and doing yoga, going to games nights, and spending a lot more time with friends. I think I’m doing better with the PMA as well. If nothing else, H. hasn’t seen me upset other than in counseling. I’ve been positive, calm, and generally pretty happy. I’m planning to keep this up once he’s home.

The problem I’m having is with 180s and figuring out what I should be doing in these circumstances.

So far, my 180s are largely focused on things I’ve wanted to work on for myself to get me more even keeled and less inclined towards anxiety and worry. Happily, they also address some of H.’s issues with feeling like my therapist. So far, they include:

- tackling my anxiety more aggressively
- dealing with my anxiety without depending on H. to talk me through it
- completing my work without validating it with H.
- contacting H. less frequently and relying on him to do more with starting conversations
- going out on my schedule and not conforming to his
- going out more often to spend time with friends and on activities that I enjoy
- letting H. have more time alone without getting fussy or demanding
- spending a bit more money without fussing about the budget
- dressing nicely and wearing new makeup

A few other things I’ve been working on that somewhat less directly benefit me include:

- complimenting H.’s weight loss (I don’t compliment people often, so this is also something that I'm working on in general)
- complimenting and asking questions about the projects he’s working on when he mentions them to me (ditto)
- listening to H. more actively (also good in general)
- not asking him about where he’s going or how long he’ll be when he goes out

I’m not sure what to do next, though. Is there any point in taking up some 180s that are good for me but that also more directly benefit the relationship? Is this a reasonable approach? If so, I’m not sure what to do because it seems like many of my options are kind of contrary to each other.

Because he feels like I left the relationship as a result of a lack of physical and emotional intimacy, the 180 to deal with these complaints would be to do things like rub his back, stroke his hair, offer sex, and engage him a lot more. But he’s said he doesn’t want those things from me right now, and feels like I’m just doing it to make things better.

Conversely, I spent a good bit of time after BD pursuing and getting upset and needy (all the not good stuff? I did it. For months.) He’s also said we spend too much time together now and that he needs space. He’s really hurt and angry right now, and appears to be trying to get away from me. The 180 here would be to back off and let him have space (I do think I managed this when he left for his trip), but it contradicts his earlier complaints about intimacy.

On top of all of this, there’s the girl he was talking to online. I don’t know if they’re still in contact or, if they are, how much, and I don’t know if it was actually an EA or not. I don’t want to be letting him eat cake, but I also don’t want to let that affect my actions if there’s nothing actually going on. If there is someone else in the picture as an EA, how should this change 180s? It seems like this would probably fit with the “give him some space” option, but it also means not address complaints about intimacy and availability.

In general, do you address the complaints that were made about the relationship before things went south, or ones that have been raised since? Is there a way to strike a balance between these two possibilities? Or, am I totally overthinking this?