H has been depressed for 4-5 years, and on AD. MLC signs for years, but I had no clue MLC was a real "thing" until a few months ago. After over a year of researching depression, troubled marriages, and other self help books, the light finally came on. I didn't know MLC could be this painful, destructive, and serious. Eyes wide open now. If he isn't a classic MLC, I don't know what is.
H is youngest of 3 boys. H parents D when he was 5. Dad was WAS, OW (his secretary), and still married to her. They had 2 more kids. H stayed with mom, who remarried a very strict and unemotional man. He was traditional, non validating, too hard on them, mean at times... Mom was loving, but not attentive.
H depression started in 2009. We had been dating for a year, but still living apart. I had not met his kids yet. H had primary custody of them since they were 2 & 4, but they opted for Hxw after about 10 years. Long story short, H had rules, Hxw didn't. Teens don't like rules. Hxw saw an opportunity, and convinced (bribed) kids that grass would be greener with her, and in 2009 they agreed to move in with party-mom, an hour away (this mistake turned out disastrous, more later). They cleaned out rooms and filed false charges against H to make excuse for leaving (per Hxw's idea), all while H was at work. My state allows kids to choose custody at 13, so H's L said don't bother fighting it. H was devastated, he completely collapsed, grieved hard for months, like a death. He said he hadn't cried like that since he was a child (hmmmm). It was torture. He said he felt so betrayed, and he felt like a total failure as a Dad. His kids were alienated from extended family and H, and didn't speak to any of them for almost 2 years. I believe this was his "tragic event".
My kids had just met H in 2009, loved him immediately. We M in 2010, bought a big house, with plenty room in hopes H kids might come back. H AD meds appeared to be working, we saw no severe signs of depression, and he said he felt good. I thought we had a great marriage, family meshed well, we took trips, played games, went to kids' activities, laughed a lot, close R with extended family, seemed to be a normal and happy life.
FF to spring 2012. SS18 at the time, 2 months from graduating HS. SS18 told us big probs at Hxw going on for months (physical and verbal abuse, diff men in and out, cops called freq, heavy binge drinking, drugs, etc). He wanted out. We all talked and agreed to rearrange whatever we could to make him welcome. Helped SS18 get a car, he drove to school an hour away to finish and grad. SD16 then, stayed with Hxw, but eventually left and stayed at friends' houses until she graduated.
MEANWHILE: 1st missed MLC cliche clue: H bought motorcycle, 2012.
AND NOW BACK TO US: Summer of 2012, we discovered SS had probs of his own. Learning disability, socially challenged and withdrawn, anger issues, odd behavior. We found IC and govt program to help with SS18 future.
Same summer, H started acting irrational. It was as if the in-H-face realization of H son not being everything H hoped for, was too much for H to accept. Couldn't have disagreements or discussions like before without H turning nasty. Very blaming, defensive, and completely refused to correct any misbehavior of SS, 19 now. BD#1. "ILY, but Idk if we can be together." "Something isn't right". Next day, I sent him a long apologetic email, and talked him back.
MEANWHILE: H Motorcycle accident 7/12. No major injury. Replaced motorcycle with new motorcycle. Only rode a few times. "Too scared to ride", "didn't feel right", "wasn't fun anymore". Sold motorcycle.
2nd missed MLC cliche clue: Summer 2013, H bought red sports car. Not even kidding. Red. And I still missed it. I wanted H to have whatever he wanted. I wanted H happy. H believed red sports car=happy. Who am I to judge? Ugh.
3 months later, red car became not so fun. "Can't see behind me." "Uses too much gas". Sold red sports car, bought hybrid sedan. H chose it, was not thrilled, but happy about saving money on gas.
AND NOW BACK TO R: Over time, fights became more frequent and escalated. Then BD#2 in 01/14, big fight, and H took SS, now 20, to stay with H several nights in motel to get away from me. Came back, agreed to MC, but was still acting bizarre. H didn't look right, didn't talk like normal H. We went to 2 sessions. We had not gotten very deep into our R at MC, just uncomfortable. Deep breath.....
2/14 H was flipping out, yelling crazy things, fighting, then we didn't speak for 3 days. 3rd day, H acting crazy. Spewing cruel, and somewhat intelligible texts to me, and his family. H cut me off of our CC, cut off my kids' and my cell phone service, and threatened to cut off car insurance, and more. I had wifi at work, and was able to contact his family to clue them in that something was very wrong. I knew I would need to be able to contact kids, so I left work to get phone service turned back on with new separate account. Went back to work, and 2 hours later, I received an email from H. It was a suicide letter, subject line read, "goodbye". I ran out of my office, called 911 from parking lot, and started driving home. Also called H family. S17 arrived before I got there, and panicked as he saw the flashing lights and emergency vehicles. Officers asked S17 to go in and check on H. H was in bed on his back. Eyes closed, open pill bottles and booze on nightstand. Cops and medics came in, were able to get H awake but groggy, and took him to hospital by ambulance.
H spent 3 days at rehab, lots of tears, long days of counseling, begging our forgiveness, saying he hit rock bottom. Many apologies to everyone. He couldn't believe what he had done, and had no memory of most of it. Shocked to find out he actually left work several times in the past days, and didn't remember any of that either. He was taught in rehab, to take responsibility for himself, and own his actions. This was not a habit for H. I was so encouraged. He told me and the kids this was not our fault. He promised to get help, and this was required as part of his discharge. The day before he was released, he said he "realized" he hadn't been taking his AD for several days before the episode. He said he wasn't excusing his behavior (yeah, right) but he really believed that was the cause of the fog and his irrational behavior. After H got out, and went to his psychiatrist, H was convinced he didn't "really" have a problem, he's not suicidal, and this whole thing was all because he missed several doses of his AD. (The number of missed medicine days kept changing, depending on to whom he was telling the story.)
We went back to MC twice, since what was deemed, "The February Incident". H was not interested in a solution. H was only interested in blaming me and my kids for pretty much every problem that has ever occurred since the dawn of time. I couldn't believe my ears. I was counting on the MC to help us out of a vicious cycle, work on communicating and respecting each other, and instead, the conversation became an attack. We were so far off.....So, I did what any pre-DBer would do, and I yelled back! Yeah! I'll show him! This will work because C and H will see how right I am! Not so much. I looked like an idiot. The C called me out on my ridiculousness, and I got offended. I felt so alone. How does no one else see what I see? Am I crazy? Is it me? It must be me. I was stunned in silence, and I just shut down not knowing what to say anymore. I quietly walked out of C. This was later used against me, but all you old-timers saw that coming:).
I NOW know to recognize visits from: Mr. Projection, Sir Blame, Major Venom Spew, Monsieur Monster-Face, Señor Shark-Eyes, and all the other new Coping-Mechanism-Super-Friends my H has introduced to me. Deep breath.....
FF to 4/14. Bullet points, because by now, it's the same sheez, different MLCer. Fights. Blame. Distance. Anger. Spew. The whole gang of Super-Friends showed up.
H took on a "H & SS20 against the world" attitude. SS20 now saw my kids and me as the enemy. SS20 had previously displayed rage in front of kids and me, and over time it got worse, and it was allowed by H.
MEANWHILE: 3rd missed MLC clue: My car engine blew up. H bought brand new truck of his dreams. Because I needed a new car. So he picked one for himself (Me, me, me, me). Gave hybrid to me. See what he did there? Not complaining, I was just as happy. It's a car and I love it. But more than that, a missed clue.
THE NEXT DAY: H told me he wanted to play with his new truck, learn dashboard features, etc. I sent H text from inside house, that I'll take D13 to soccer and go to grocery store (so he can keep playing with toys). H spewed!! Huh? Wait, now FAVORS make H angry? H said I left without him and H wanted to shop (I can't read his mind, so we should separate. That comes later, too). I offered to turn back, but that wasn't good enough, because H wanted to be mad. H isolated himself in his room the rest of the night.
The rest I'll shorten with bullet points: S17 and I talking late at night in living room, SS20 walks in, says something rude, I called him out on his disrespectful comment, SS20 got worse, started cursing and name-calling, threatening, breaking things, cocked fist back toward my son... H came out of room.
In a normal world....a H would defend W and S17, and address bad behavior of SS20.
In MLC land.... Fights. Blame. Distance. Anger. Spew. The whole Super-Friend gang showed up again.
H told me to leave. I refused. I told H to leave. H refused. Slept in same bed as far apart as possible.
Next day, my kids were scared and tense. We had been in a similar sitch before, and I recognized the despair in their faces. They didn't feel safe. Horrible thing to live, and hear from your kids. Deep breath.... I bought locks for their BR doors.
I talked to H (tried) and he refused to leave. I explained we didn't feel safe. H didn't care. Laughed at me, actually. I consulted with my C, and our family Dr., who knew all of us and the sitch. They agreed in this case, kids and I need to be safe, and I looked for an apartment. H and I didn't talk at all.
The cycle had to stop. We moved 10 days later. It was hard. I cried. H cried. H said he thought he would be ok being there while we moved, but he couldn't do it. H left.
We went once more to MC. Drove separately, met there. I told H I believed we could get through this. But we needed time apart to cool off. Put the fires out and remove the stressors so we can rebuild our R. H told me and C that "W has to fix herself. Then we'll see. Too much damage has been done. Horrible, permanent damage." And then he listed things that I had to change, including telling everyone of our friends and family that HE WAS NOT THE PROBLEM, I WAS. What? What did that mean? He made so many ridiculous demands that didn't even make sense. I cried. We left. Confused and hopeless.
For weeks, H wouldn't respond to texts, calls, or anything. He was rude. He was demanding and mean. I still didn't know what I was dealing with. I sent a message to an old mutual friend that works with H. I said things were so strange, didn't make sense, and asked if he knew if H had OW. Friend said not that he has seen. Then, two days later, a message from that work friend. OW confirmed. I went crazy (Still pre-DB). Friend said H took the day off and took OW on our boat for the day. I went to the house. Saw all of their things. OW things. In MY closet. On MY nightstand. In MY BED. The. Ultimate. F. U. They did it in my bed. He unplugged one woman, and plugged in a new one. Only she's older, so that's weird... (Old timers? Any clue on the reason for an older model?). Oh, funny, tho, H never wore cologne. Saw Ed Hardy on his sink...sniff... Aahhh, Eau de MLC.
I obsessed about her for about 6 weeks. Typical lowlife parasite. But, I surprisingly got over that, and relatively quickly. The initial hurt was like nothing I've ever felt in my life. But now I completely see her as the messed up bandaid/drug of choice/escape he uses her for. I am not threatened in the least.
But, H is now being medicated by infatuation, thus delaying any reconnection. I took a huge step back, and found this forum. Darn near saved my life.
So there it is, in a nutshell.
What now? Praying. Detaching. I'm GAL. Taking care of kids. This forced "break" is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
But I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned so far.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
