Well, it's time for updating my online dating profile! Here's my latest edit to this long standing piece of literary genius.
Screen name: Iamthewalrus58
About me: Hey ladies, I'm a guy looking to fill an empty armchair in my living room. Channel surfing and Dorito munching is always better done with that special someone at your side. I'm also a fitness junkie and every evening I can be found doing endless sets of opening and closing the fridge door at break neck speeds. I like to alternate arms to increase flexibility. I usually try to add a little cardio to my workout by putting down the remote and changing the stations manually. Yet I'm not all about my body, I love those quiet walks to the garbage chute and making things happen for the environment by using the recycle bins. As you may have guessed already, I'm an avid nature lover and on weekends love to lie in bed all day listening to the birds chirp outside my window. As for my personality, my friends would describe me as a strong, independent minded, “do-it-yourself” kind of guy and they'll eagerly tell you how I once neutered my own dog. Spirituality is also an important part of my life and I can often be found just sitting in my car meditating to Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. The apartment underground is where I like to go to get away from it all because travel should be a part of any well balanced lifestyle. When I’m not travelling I’m enjoying a smokin' social life. There are always people at my door, in fact, each week these really nice people called Jehovah Witnesses come by to visit me. We talk for hours and before they leave they're talking about coming back to visit me again. People just seem to be naturally drawn to me and I hope you will be too.
About you: So, what am I looking for in a companion? Well, I'm always blown away by a lady who isn't at the best place in her life, who works only for the pay cheque, who hates travel with a passion, never goes to the gym and thinks Yoga is a light mid-afternoon snack. You’re a lady who’s proud to look and feel 55 when you’re actually 45...and you’re equally at ease with drinking yourself blotto in a formal evening dress or passing out in jeans on the living room floor. You also like to make yourself laugh (and won't lay that trip on me!) and you’re willing to wait for the afterlife to meet your “soul mate”. Watching the waves at the beach makes you nauseous and you don't give a crap whether I love your dog or not. You're comfortable in your own skin rather than expecting me to be in mine...and, in your dating profile, your friends have absolutely nothing to say about you at all. I’d also like to find that special lady who considers playing head games intellectually challenging and who can’t wait for me to message her photos of my package. If this sounds like you then please don’t contact me ‘cuz you’re obviously a guy and I don’t swing that way!
My favourite things include:
You naked, Rob Ford watching, Talking with the dead, green sashimi with mayo, Removing stop signs at intersections, Watching sunsets on the cable station, Shaving my dogs legs, Doing the Frito Lays Detox, Writing really stupid dating profiles, Toilet Paper Roll collecting, Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Hot, humid days, Popping zits (mine or that special someone’s), DQ hopping, Touring Grow ops in my neighbourhood and you naked.
My favourite song lyrics are:
Yellow mother custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye. Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess, Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down. I am the eggman, they are the eggmen. I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.
My ideal first date: You and I mooning strangers from the windows of my car and uploading the action to You Tube.
