Thanks Claire, bashy. I appreciate the encouragement. Stinking thinking gets me no where. It's clear I'm afraid. Afraid my efforts are going unnoticed and/or being misinterpreted which is an old way of thinking of mine. I used to stop making progress on change because I thought "well he doesn't notice anyway or appreciate how hard this is so who cares?!" but 1) that clearly didn't work, 2) credit for the work only happens in school, this is life and sometimes the RESULTS from the hard work is all you're measured on, I need to put on my big girl panties, 3) *I* am noticing the work and the results and that really matters, 4) he is probably totally noticing but not trusting that they're real and meaningful and substantive and permanent. Whew. No more expecting credit for the work. The work is for ME. ::sigh:: Onward.
I took d out yesterday with friends and we had an insanely good time. H got some alone time to be lazy and that's something he never used to get. Not being resentful while he's chilling on the couch and I'm dealing with a spastic 6 year old is new for me. I was completely in the moment, enjoyed every second and felt no jealousy, resentment or frustration. This is good. I'm not keeping score. Gotta make that habitual!
H and I also spoke this morning on how to advocate for our daughter's education as a team. She's going into second grade but is bored out of her mind. I've been supplementing at home with more advanced work but I'm no teacher. I'm doing the best I can but h and I feel the school could do more. She was recently tested at reading WAY above her grade level and we want the school to better support her with that. This is something I would normally fight alone but h asked me to make an appointment with the principal on a day that he could also attend. I expressed my thoughts and fears (her being bored, that leading to class disruption and behavior problems, the severe lack of challenge, not more work but deeper work for her, etc) and he agrees wholeheartedly. He suggested he take the lead (which I always did) and will allow him to do because he and I are on the same page!! This is HUGE for us and I want to show him that I trust his words and methods by letting him take the lead. What a great feeling! Here's hoping it's a productive conversation and the principal doesn't stalemate us.
Last night h told me he thinks he found an apartment. Hearing that didn't feel good but it didn't send me into a tailspin like it did last week or the week before. Small victories, right? He said it's very local and expensive but that it allows for shorter term leases like 3 or 6 months. I'm taking that as a good sign, that he's not looking for 1 year leases on a condo. Is that me in denial? Maybe he's looking for shorter leases because he's planning to still go through with the d? Ugh. Overthinking. It's hard to not analyze all of this and wonder if the positive signs I'm looking for are actually there or am I making them appear because I'm looking so hard for them. Oy. If I wasn't crazy before, DBing has gotten me there, but I'm still grateful.
