Not sure what to do

[Paz2014]

Hi Bob,

I'm sorry you found yourself seeking help on this site. It's a great site to get support but I'm sorry you're here. Also, we feel for you and your pain. So hang in there because it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

About a month ago my wife told me she read my emails.

This enraged my wife. She said I changed my passwords because I was hiding something. She accused me of having a girlfriend.

Why did she snoop? Sounds like there's a trust issue. Did happen something happen?

I said I changed my passwords because I don’t want her snoping into my private life.

This made me cringe. What I'm about to say is based on my experience and my honest opinion. In a M there is no private life. You guys are married for crying out loud! What's a M without out total and complete transparency? All you did with that statement was push her away and consequently fueled her anger. I get that you were trying to avoid her anger and she probably shouldn't have snooped but she did for a reason. Tell us what you think that may/could be.

She says I'm passive/aggressive.

This says a lot. If this is what she's thinking I can kind of understand where her anger may be coming from. There's nothing more frustrating to me than a passive-aggressive male. What do you think you are or have been doing that's making her say these things about you? Have you listened to her complaints about what was wrong in the M? What were they?

She says I don't love her. I do. But I'm not going to reward her bad behavior.

This is also another strong statement. It seems that whatever method you are using to communicate your love for her is not in her language. Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? And, I agree that you shouldn't reward bad behavior. How did you respond to her statement? Was she met with more resistance from you? Did you wall her off?

I had to move out. I don't know what to do. M wife is always seems angry at me. I refuse to engage her when she attacks and that sends her into a rage.

Disengaging is a sign of poor conflict management and yes, I would be enraged too. This would be considered a passive approach. She's clearly trying to tell you something albeit in the least productive way but you're disengaged. Refusing to to engage her equals ignoring her. I'm not saying to just sit there and let her give you a beating. I'm saying you have a lot more control than you realize. Do you just walk away or sit there and say nothing? Or could you perhaps have said, "I sense that you're very upset about something and I want to understand what that is. I love you and care for you and want to be there for you. However, it's difficult for me to open up when you're...(insert that negative behavior.) We can continue this conversation once we're both calm."

You leaving the house to save your sanity is not a bad move. I just hope that you didn't leave to make her even more angry but that you truly needed it for yourself. Start doing some soul searching and figure what changes you need to make. Figure out from her complaints that things that weren't working for you and pray that God change what's in your heart first not just hers. This is gonna sound like a broken record and you will see it many times on this site...you can't control what she does/think/feel/react but YOU CAN control you. So work on you!

On a different note, when you come on here you will receive a lot of advice. Some good, some not so good, and a lot conflicting ones. We can offer you all the advice in the world but you will have to be the judge of what applies in your situation.

Lastly, if you can afford it do try the DB coaching. They're the experts. They are emotionally removed from your situation and can therefore offer sound advice. Use them for relationship advice and you have us as a supplement. If you haven't already, find a counselor to start working on YOURSELF. Notice I said "you" and not your M. You gotta figure out what you need to change to be a better partner in you M. But what about you W and her crap? Remember...you can only control you. There will be a time for her later...perhaps much, much later than you'd like.

If this does not work out between the two of you--you will at least walk away a better person. Yeah, that doesn't sound comforting but as you get further into this journey and start to accept that things you can't change and let those go, your head will be clearer and you won't be as bothered or affected by her behaviors. You'll find your strength and dignity again. Post often if you need to.