Not sure what to do

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Cristy. I watched a lot of the video's on you.tube. Maybe you can send that link to my wife.


Bob, I get the feeling you have NOT read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books? You need to do that b/c the very first thing the books hammer into your head is that YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR WIFE....you can only work on YOU.

If that is not something you are interested in doing (i.e. doing what works) then you need another site. THIS SITE is "solution based" so we don't re-hash marital histories for long, or blame the other spouse (the one NOT here to defend themselves) and we focus on the one person we CAN help, i.e. the one here...that is YOU.

YOU will have to change for your m to change. That does not mean your wife won't, of course she will. But HERE< we advise the partners who want the m to work, to take the first step and the 2nd, and the 3rd and next 4062- steps b/c the person here on this site, is the ONE working on the M and we cannot do a thing about that, except help the LBS model healthy behavior for the partner who wants to leave.


So ead the book(s) and make sure you "get" the concepts therein so that this site can help you.

WE use the terms and concepts from the books HERE. So if you don't read one of the books, this won't come naturally to you.

Make sense? If you go to another Marriage counselor you MUST ask them if they are "solution based" b/c there IS a difference. OR go to a workshop for a long weekend and get the continuity those retreats/workshops provide.

Otherwise even good therapy can be "fragmented"...





She says I'm passive/aggressive.

I had to move out. I don't know what to do. M wife is always seems angry at me. I refuse to engage her when she attacks and that sends her into a rage.


If you refuse to engage her, she can only rage for so long, alone. Just leave the area and you won't even know she's raging. Also, are there reasons she is angry at you or would you prefer just saying "She's always angry" and never looking into reasons for it?

Notice how I'm NOT spending time telling you how to "get" her to change?

I'm advising YOU to remove yourself AND OR to change YOU. B/c that is something you know you CAN do and thus, it's empowering.

It's empowering b/c your behavior IS within your control whereas hers, is not.


She says I don't love her. I do. But I'm not going to reward her bad behavior.

What does "reward" her bad behavior mean?

Are you with holding of affection or kindness or HER love languages?

Also, on one hand I want to suggest you read every book on relationships that you can, but on the other hand, I feel like saying "NO, don't read EVERY book on marriage if they have different approaches - b/c that confuses YOU and your spouse!"

But a reliably helpful book that is an easy read is "The Five Love Languages" and that really does remind us that our spouses give AND receive love in different ways and that while WE might think we have shown our spouses' our love, if it is not in their "love language" they may not believe we love them.

Their love tanks might be empty. Example: if your wife's love language is "words of affirmation" and you are not a big one for giving compliments (b/c maybe your family was very quiet or critical??)

then SHE may not FEEL loved by you. Even though you think you are "showing" her love b/c your love language for giving love might be physical touch.

It's not how your wife RECEIVES love, but it's how you give it. Neither of you is "wrong"m but you both need to learn how your partner "hears" your love language and whether you are giving it to your spouse in their lingo.

My h is a physical touch person and he likes words of affirmation. I"m an "acts of service" wife (when he gets my car's oil changed, I feel loved!).

We are NOW on the same page a lot more.

Read the books, begin to GAL (that means Get A Life) and that means YOU get yourself involved in some FUN rewarding activities of your own, with new friends or people who do not remind you of your w, and you LEARN new things, meet new people and you Get A Life that is happy, with or without her.

It's not a game to get her back, but it does make you more attractive to her. Let's face it, a pouting spouse is not an attractive spouse, a wounded spouse who whines and clings, even if they have the "right" to feel as they do, is NOT attractive.

So, do what works, do not do what does not work. That is something that seems so obvious yet all of us here, have gone down "cheese less tunnels" time and time again.

I know you have. Read the books and keep posting here and repeat to yourself MANY times a day, "I cannot control my w, only myself. So what am I doing today to improve MYSELF and or MY Life?"

"What can I create for myself today?"

And do TAKE IN, what we say here.

Do not gloss over the posts looking for a "secret" sentence or two that fixes all this.

This marriage restoration, it's a marathon, not a sprint.


Every night I pray and ask God to change her but I don't think He is listening.


I strongly suggest you

Pray to God that he CHANGES YOU.

You are all you control. Focus on yourself and your own shortcomings. (Remember the quote about the plank in your eye and the speck in our mate's?
That quote is very helpful NOW and HERE)

Surely you have issues and traits you would like to improve upon? (B/c you are human, you are flawed). So What are they? (You don't have to tell US, but you do have to identify areas you need to work on in yourself).

What do you need to work on to

become a man, that only a fool would leave?

Off the top of my head, I think you could learn how to set boundaries & you could work on that, starting now.....

How to assert yourself in healthy ways, not in anger or b/c your ego is wounded and NOT to be punitive....but to protect yourself and to set a model of self respect.

AND OR, how to model calm strong adult behavior ---so your wife can see what mature adults communicate like, from watching you....




She is convinced that I am having an affair and no matter how much I deny the accusation I can't change her mind. She refuses to listen to me. I think divorce will become only option.

What are YOU willing to DO -- to help make your m a healthy one?

What negatives would YOUR WIFE SAY if she were here, about you?

What of those ^^ complaints, have any validity to them? So, why not begin working on those?

HER own work will come later down the road. Do You know why we only focus on you?

B/c SHE IS NOT HERE WORKING ON THE M! YOU arez1....

or are you looking for permission to leave your wife? You don't need ours.

But if there is something you can do to turn this around, wouldn't you want to know?

I think by placing this ALL on her shoulders, you are absolving yourself of any responsibility for any problems. Frankly, it would terrify me to believe I had been a great wife, and still, my h mistreated me and left me.

I say that b/c if I'm so great AND he still wants out, then I'm truly powerless.
I did my best and still lost.

But if I played a role in my h's choices, I want to know. B/C I can change ME, and that means I can reduce the chances of this happening again.

And I CAN control more of how MY life goes...and so can you.


Bob if, at some level, allowing yourself to be treated this way means you have a few issues of low self esteem, etc?

I mean, we only get treated as badly as we allow ourselves to be.

Why do you believe you let this happen for so long?

Why aren't you afraid it will keep happening -- and it will--IF you do nothing different.

Which is why I'm asking what YOU are working on in YOU?

And keep posting!!