The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball.

[wishing, hoping]

Is it really J who makes me feel foolish or is it what I attach to what he says? Does it really even matter? I am the one who hopped back on that crazy train. But sometimes I still wonder if he is sane and I am not?

J is good with cars (at least I used to think so). He looked at my brake lights and my fuse panel and I know now that there is a reason the amperage is not going to my brake system to activate the lights. Sounds like a costly repair. I really need to get a new vehicle, but I am trying to push it off. He is right about the tires, too. I was there with him the entire time so he didn't do anything suspicious. I really am over thinking J would intentionally hurt me. I think he is just clueless and thoughtless honestly.

Like this morning I discovered he didn't pack D's tennis shoes for camp. I was irritated. He always forgets to pack something. I don't know if he does it on purpose to irritate me or if he's just that clueless? It is irritating no matter which way you slice it. I called him and he immediately told me when he answered "D's shoes are by the front door". I said how did you know what I was calling about? He said he saw them at the front door and knew I would be asking. Nice.

I shouldn't care, but again I am trying to make a life for myself BY MYSELF. I don't have a backup plan. It's all me and no one to lean on, except friends. He has a cookie backup and I guess it irritates me. She is nothing but a glorified babysitter and she could really care less as long as she is "taken care of".

I really need to shake this mood off. My boss (who is divorced and going through some garbage with her ex as well) told me she really finds it admirable that I am walking this alone and doing it all myself. She said "you didn't just run off and find someone to latch onto for support. You did this and are doing this all by yourself and that is so great". She said I would end up being such a strong individual for this. I know this is true, but it's of little comfort right now.

Trying to get my act back together.

WH