Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[mindsin]

"I do understand her POV."

It's obvious in your posts you don't. Rather than showing some compassion and understanding for why she is looking for another man who has betrayed her like you have, you are more interested in condemning her and pretty much calling her a "whore".

Rather than looking at yourself, and using your knowledge to improve yourself for HER benefit and not yours.

I do now, especially after reading 25's post. Trust me, I really do.

[MrBond]

Then why do you continually condemn your W?

[MrBond]

nit84,

"Am I confusing your comments?"

Yes you are. The first thing to do in DB is to understand what your M problems were in the first place. In mindsin's case, his lack of empathy and understanding of his W's feelings is the biggest issue. He doesn't want to "bring up the past" because it hurts him and doesn't see the point of it. Yet bringing up the past from his W's POV is exactly what he needs to do in order understand how she feels and how to correct things.

Rug sweeping doesn't do any good because all he's doing is sweeping his W's own feelings under it also. Add that to the fact that he had countless A's previously and harshly condemns his W for wanting to find a loving man whom she can trust and you get a one-sided, selfish way of handling a situation.

[nit84]

Ahh yes ok...

I am sorry for misunderstanding.

Mindsin, Please take the advice from MrBond and 25.

You need to put yourself in your W shoes to understand just how much hurt there really is in her heart for things that you have done to her.

I did this and let me tell you it is not easy. It is very hard to look at oneself in the mirror and try and picture that person doing bad things to you.

I spent a lot of hours coming to terms with what an a-hole I was. I couldn't see it until I stepped back away and looked upon my sitch as an outsider so to speak.

I didn't intentionally do some things but that doesn't matter to a WAS. They are hurt enough to walk away. It doesn't mean you are totally to blame but you can only control yourself so that is where you need to start.

Way back when I found this forum I think it was Labug that told me "you have been awful for so many years and that is how long it may take W to learn to trust that you are a changed man if ever." Not the exact quote but close.

I still have hope for my M but I also realize that the damage could be too great to overcome.

I see small steps from my W but nothing close to R so all I try to do is work on myself because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life and I want to be the best I can be for myself. The rest will come if it is meant to.

When my W does talk to me which is rare and we still live together. I try to empathize and validate her feelings, this is much easier to do if you have put yourself in the WAS shoes.

There will be backslides, Lord knows I have them, More recently for me than earlier in the S and I am trying to figure that out at the moment.

When you have backslides hopefully it teaches something so they become less and less frequent.

Again MrBond and 25 your advice and wisdom is invaluable thanks for sharing it with us.

Mindsin, Hang in there!!

[mindsin]

Thanks MrBond and nit84. I'm taking your words to heart. I'm really trying to empathize, and I'm getting there -- just not all the way there yet.

Right now, we're on a "trial separation" -- not legally separated. We have written a number of ground rules and will soon take it have it notarized by a legal professional. We are still living under the same roof, primarily for the kids' sake (and for financial reasons).

The one thing that I'm having a hard time accepting is the fact that my WAW goes out (and stays over with the OM) two to three times a week, leaving me at the house with the kids. I'm having a hard time grasping this as anything else than irresponsible (as a mother) and selfish. Perhaps one of you guys can offer me an alternative view.

Thanks.

[claire7]

Does your agreement include a parenting schedule? Get one on there, stat. If you are separated, you are not in a MR, even if you are living under the same roof. If spending time with OM does not violate your "ground rules", it's her business how she spends her time. And your agreement should carve out time for you too.

[labug]

Thanks MrBond and nit84. I'm taking your words to heart. I'm really trying to empathize, and I'm getting there -- just not all the way there yet.

Right now, we're on a "trial separation" -- not legally separated. We have written a number of ground rules and will soon take it have it notarized by a legal professional. We are still living under the same roof, primarily for the kids' sake (and for financial reasons).

The one thing that I'm having a hard time accepting is the fact that my WAW goes out (and stays over with the OM) two to three times a week, leaving me at the house with the kids. I'm having a hard time grasping this as anything else than irresponsible (as a mother) and selfish. Perhaps one of you guys can offer me an alternative view.

Thanks.

Have you ever gone out and left her in the house with the kids 2 or 3 nights/week?

You should have an agreement that gives you both equal time with the kids.

[mindsin]

Have you ever gone out and left her in the house with the kids 2 or 3 nights/week?

You should have an agreement that gives you both equal time with the kids.

I have not. Since D-day (5 weeks ago), I've spent two full days with my friends/family and two nights at my parents house (on those same days). My wife has spent at least one day per weekend, and about 10 total nights out at a hotel with the OM.

[labug]

Never, ever, in your whole life with kids?

[mindsin]

Never, ever, in your whole life with kids?

The only time is when I went on business trips or training (rare occasions), with one exception. A few years ago, I went on an overnight trip with my brother and a couple of close friends.

That was it.

My wife has also gone out on business trips which included overnight stays.