Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

It's interesting that you compare years versus months, MLP. My H. said in counseling that I've only been unhappy for four months, whereas he's been unhappy for four years. He seemed to be implying that I haven't had any issues in the marriage and that I'm only unhappy now because he's unhappy with me, and that I've had four years of bliss thanks to him.

But looking back, I've been getting progressively more resentful for years. The SSM was certainly a result of the wrong hormones and my anxiety - I won't downplay that - but I think resentment contributed too, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. And I've had friends remind me of conversations that we've had over the years now where I've expressed concerns and frustration with how some things were in our marriage. One friend even reminded me of one of those conversations from right before we were married, so this is long-standing.

Trouble is, at this point, I don't know how much the lens of the last few months is colouring the previous three and a half years, or how much I'm entangling my issues with the marriage and some additional concerns about my own life. Sure, I had complaints (valid ones!) that need to be addressed and that I really shouldn't ignore, but there was happiness there, too. It's just difficult to see where the balance was.

Like you, though, I'm willing to give it time. I'm just not sure that he is. The four months since BD isn't all that much time, and it was months before I found DB, so I was doing everything wrong for a good while. But even though we've only been in counseling for two months and even though it took years to get here, H. has seemed frustrated that things haven't gotten better yet.