Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Went to bed earlier than usual last night and am feeling much better this morning. I must, must, must remember how important sleep is to maintaining a more even keel when it comes to emotions. I need to be sure to add in healthier eating and more regular meditation on top of all that.

When I'm feeling better I find myself torn. On one hand, I just want to save my marriage, and to feel like I've tried everything I can to make things better. I love H. - or, at least, a version of H. - and I want to see that through. When I said "I do", I meant it, and I anticipated that this would be a forever thing. I can see how we could have a new, much stronger relationship that encourages and challenges both of us in important ways.

On the other hand, I'm angry, and I wonder about the cost that saving my marriage could come at. I'm owning what I did to contribute to our issues and working on them (admittedly in an imperfect way) because I want to make things better. I can see where we both went wrong and appreciate the ways that we thought we were caring for the other person, even if we weren't all that effective about it. But he doesn't seem to see anything other than how I've hurt him - none of my good contributions, and none of the ways that perhaps he wasn't the wonderful partner he thinks he is.

Could things change? Of course. Will it take time? Absolutely.

I'm working on change to address my contributions and he could too. And there are things he could change that would help him, me, and the relationship. But at some point, change must happen. I'm willing to take this on by myself for now and do what needs to be done (despite the fact that many of the changes he wants are not things he's willing to accept from me right now). I can usually leave the anger and the resentment behind and do what I need to do. I'm starting to do that now. But there are times when it's insanely frustrating.