1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thanks heads.

My journal of the day is about the present. It's hard to stay in the present. It's so easy to want to look into a crystal ball to figure out what's going to happen. Is it possible that she has second thoughts before the D is finalized (which hasn't been started yet)? If not, is it possible that we'll get back together after that? If not, is I possible that I'll ever find a woman as wonderful again? And would that R be better? Or would she leave me too?

Seriously, I need to stop.

Funny thing is that the present is all we have, and what's really wrong with it? My STBX still cares for me and things are friendly. She's committed to making sure I have time with the kids and I'm a better father than ever, never been closer. She's commented on that as well and said she hopes it continues. I have a good job I like. And I have time for my hobbies which I enjoy as well. Why is it so hard to just enjoy that!

My wife's biggest complaint was my high expectations, I was never satisfied. And I can see it now. If I can't enjoy the life I have now getting back together wouldn't change anything. I'd just have someone to blame it on. But for some reason being in doubt about the future is really hard- even though that's life and any certainties we have are illusionary.

I know this in my head but its hard for me. When I find myself wanting to fast forward life to when I'm in another R and 'happy' I call myself out and realize only I can comfort myself, so I try to address my inner child, give him a hug, tell him I love him, and pray for comfort. I also try to appreciate what I have. Finally, I try to accept that it's the human condition that we all feel scared and lonely at times and I can't wait until I 'fix' myself to enjoy life. In fact, enjoying life anyway is very close to fixing myself!!!

Anyone else have any exercises for someone who (kind of) gets it in their head but has a hard time staying grounded???

Ps- cant tell her so ill tell you all...I really do love my W. She is so beautiful inside and out. Sending her and all of you good will!