I really want something good in life. There is no way, that is going to be the W. Those days are gone and over. I am getting to the point of thinking a D is the way to go for everything to be good. I don't think I am in a place to go out and get something else though either. At some point though there has to be a break. Yes this has been going on a short time for the separation, but our issues and me not being happy for almost 2 years.
I am getting happier, but I can't seem to shake the feelings for her. I don't want to know if she is seeing OM, or if she isn't, but every once in a while I see something or hear something, and I don't want to or mean to, but it's just everyday life things. That fact is tearing me up inside. I cannot deal with that, and do not want to. Lately I have even been thinking if ways to get back, but then I wake myself up and say why? That's not doing me or my kids any good. I am at a lose at what to do about it. I can't just ask or confront or spy, even if I could I couldn't handle it.
After all of this yes I want a D, and yes it will hurt and I will regret what I did for a while, but really you have got to be able to move on. I don't know though, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. It's been four months since she moved out and I still have days of horrible sadness. There are days of good, but it still overwhelms me from time to time.
I still haven't sold my house and the reminders associated with it are too much. However I am scared to move on. That next step is a mother. Would I take her back tomorrow yes, but I am not naive either. Just seems like 2 different paths are ahead, and I am setting at the fork, not knowing where to go. I also miss my girls something terrible too, and it's really just missing them more than her. That's gets me thinking that she isn't that important to me.
I so wish there was a way to be able to figure this all out, but there is not. I just have to make tough choices, but I am setting in the fork in the fetal position like a baby. I want out, no more fear, no more uncertainty, no more no more.
