First post, DENIAL was my HAPPY PLACE!!

[Shining]

Hi, All,

I've been lurking for a while, trying to learn everything I can before suiting-up and jumping into the trenches. I have done some homework; read DB, DR, Conway's MiMLC, I Don't Want to Talk About It, and at least 4-5 other books on depression and MLC listed here.

I feel like I know so many of you already, and I would like to begin with a big "virtual hug" to all posters for sharing your stories and advice, which has been instrumental in helping me sort through the initial chaos, and in getting my emotions to a manageable level. Thank you for generously sharing your time, experience, and wisdom to help educate yet another "lost" LBS.

I'll post the history of my sitch soon, in snack-sized posts. It is pretty long. None of the history is any more, or any less earth-shattering than anyone else's. Same stuff, different MLCer, really. But I have yet to find another LBS on the board with some of the special circumstances I have.

Before I knew what was happening with H, I of course, did all the wrong things, (beg, cry, promise, tell him how I have changed) and got the blaming venom spew. After learning not to argue, and to instead, validate H's emotions, it was like magic! I froze in disbelief at the instant shift in his behavior toward me. Things have been very distant, but civil now for 3 months. H became a nice-MLCer, at least to me. Monster has now transferred away from me, and onto OW as well as H 2 adult kids, from what I hear.

I created lists from memory and old emails, of H complaints about me. I determined the possible validity, and most of them had some truth, but weren't out of the ordinary in a M and definitely fixable. So I fixed and changed all I could. Some were ridiculous, like he hated that I had pores on my nose.... (Wth? And he graciously stayed married to me with such a hideous issue? So noble of him.) Still working on lots, but huge strides and awareness of my ew, stupid mistakes and insecurities coming out in unflattering behavior. Uncomfortable to face traits in myself that I despise in others... But, yup. Plenty of room for improvement.

I stay busy. I work full-time, take care of my 4- teenagers from previous M (minimally, as they are very independent and responsible), and I read a lot. Kids and I have been going to a new, wonderful church, I'm keeping kids involved in their activities, and I have been working with a personal trainer since S (I've lost a ton of weight, I'm healthy, and I feel great and look pretty dang cute:).) Kids and I all go to a C.

My DB-no-no is that I have a very difficult time going days without hearing from him, and giving him the space he probably needs.

Although, he has never told me to back off (good or bad, idk?). I'm staying dark, but I do tend to initiate contact with H about half the time. We only communicate by text, short, factual exchanges. I only see him if there is property to exchange, or papers to sign (no D filed, just bills etc.). All communication is business related. No R talk, and I have done well at working to build a consistent presence of calm, non-judgement, validation, STFU, and listening (all 180's for me!).

My immediate need and humble request, is for some guidance in detaching. Although I stay busy and I'm starting to GAL, I struggle with the fear that getting too far out of his way will cause him to permanently shut the doors on us. Logically, and historically from other posters, this is not a fear that tends to become a reality in most sitches. But H has done this in his past with other things. Just flipped a switch and then done.

I'm still in withdrawal from a relationship that used to include a constant communication throughout the day, out of love, affection, and respect (and ok, yes...yes, co-dependence). Now, almost nothing. I sometimes feel like he died. We used to have sweet text exchanges all the time. We ALWAYS knew where each other was, and we were very respectful to communicate when we were leaving somewhere, and other "fyi" type exchanges.

Yeah.... We were "that "couple, like Raine, all of our friends and family envied our friendship and our M. (See what I did there.... I just went ahead and compared us to a brilliant DBer who got the results I'm hoping to achieve.

I have read books on detachment and co-dependence, and I feel as though I have a good grip on the concepts overall. I'll go for days feeling like a confident warrior, "I totally got this." And then, another day, seemingly out of nowhere, I'll breakdown and feel hopeless, panicky, needy, tempted to text or call but I don't. Well, not always. I have been guilty of texting him, with the lame excuse of checking on a house matter, or bills. I could have waited for him to reach out first, and as I mentioned, he does initiate about half the time. But I am clinging to a R that no longer exists, and I think of H constantly.

I know it's not good for me to think so much and miss him so much, and revisit fun memories in my mind, but I do it anyway. Hmmmm... Knowing it's bad for me but doing it anyway.... I sound like an MLCer now!!! AAAGGHHH.

Losing it. Well, technically I lost it. I lost our marriage. It's dead. I'm grieving. I'm lonesome. No dating for me, tho. Zero interest. Plus that little fact that I'm still married, and would like to continue this status.

OW is neither a threat, nor a focus to me. At first, yeah, but I learned quickly on dealing with this bandaid effect. She's textbook, although older by 4 years. It only bothers me that he has OW because of the distraction she is from H realizing his own internal issues, but I don't believe they will ride off into the sunset. They do spend all their free time together because H is afraid to be alone. Not officially living together, but spending the night most nights. My guess is things have gotten super co-dependent between them and she will not permit him contacting me in her presence. This is a pattern. I noticed that he only texts me when he's at work.

I need an MLC-Rollercoasterectomy. How to detach from so many H thoughts?

Anyone.....?
Anyone....?
Bueller?
Bueller.....

I finally submit my sitch, in an attempt to come out of denial. It really was my happy place .