WAW having an A but she denies it #2

[Train]

Okay, a little more now ...

You know how MWD says "believe none of what you hear"?

I think what she's talking about is the spew ... but not the valid points your W is making.

But MWD also suggests NO relationship talks. Not right now. You don't want to add pressure to your W. It's only going to push her away, sho. And she'll come out swinging, with A LOT of venom. Much of it will be untrue.

My H told me at BD#1, for example, that he wasn't sure the baby I was carrying was his. He said I disgusted him. That he never loved me. In fact, that he HATED me.

He came home four months later.

Fast-forward to 2014, BD#2. He told me he wanted to run right before he married me. That he was never happy. That he came back in 2006 "out of convenience." Sho, he even mentioned signing over paternal rights to our CHILDREN!!!!! He is, hands-down, THE most loving, hands-on, doting father I *KNOW*. My chin was on.the.floor. I cannot begin to TELL you who that man was!

Anddddd ... he came home two months later.

They have LOADS of built-up resentment and anger. And the OP makes them feel special. That relationship is new and invigorating and exciting. (Kinda like NYC, eh? ) It's also - until exposure - a secret and risky and exhilerating. When they're caught, they immediately may jump from showing guilt to anger to shame to confusion to entitlement. Or they may stick to just one of those. But I happen to believe they FEEL them ALL. (And, to be honest, I've only read of a few who are apologetic or show shame and guilt when first exposed. By far, the most I've read about start quite the opposite: the wayward lashes out and blames the LBS.) One thing they DON'T feel is love for us LBSs. And I know that's hard to swallow. But your W is an alien right now. Don't even TRY to get in that brain because you'll get it all.wrong.every.time if you do. Trust me. I tried. And failed. And learned.

I know you're right there in the thick of things. But we're sitting here on the outside. Starsky has witnessed hundreds - if not thousands - of people come onto these boards with the same story. The story doesn't change much from one couple to the next, sho, I promise. You MUST take that into consideration. Even when Starsky would give me advice that seemed to be completely OPPOSITE of what I would have *wanted* to do or *thought to have done* - and even though MY story felt unique to ME - his advice was the same for me as it was for allll the others with slight adjustments for my personal sitch when warranted. Because the stories are pretty much all the same. I happen to believe that as long as there is love left somewhere deep down in the wayward spouse (and you did a helluva job building up deposits in W's Love Bank before you found out about the A, so you, again, *already* have a huge advantage that MOST of us didn't have), then the stories' outcomes can pretty much be the same, too.

But you're at a critical point. And you need to play those cards right. Little slip-ups won't make or break you. But *repeated* little slip-ups can.

You know something? I told my H maybe twice in two months that I would be willing to work on our M if he ended his A. I felt, in the throes of everything, that I should be telling him that MORE, especially, I told myself, because H is soooooo forgetful! So SURELY he's different than all the other waywards and REALLY needs me to remind him of the things I said!

Not even close.

When he came home? His e-mail to his parents said, "Train had told me right off the bat that she would be willing to take me back and work on our M if I broke things off with the OW."

He said, "right off the bat." As in, the NIGHT I confronted him about the A. He never forgot. He knew all along. And the time I *did* repeat it to him (because, I justified, I told him really late at night, and we were both so out of it because I just busted him), he quipped: "I already know that." He DID NOT want to hear that again. And I never repeated it. Learn from me and don't repeat it a second time. If you told her? She heard you.

Once you've had THAT discussion and put your boundaries in place, it's time to back.way.off. GAL. Try to detach yourself from her words and her actions.

This IS NOT going to be easy. You might have your nose rubbed in that A for as long as it takes for it to run its course. You're gonna have to have one helluva backbone, sho. But I think your actions (non-verbal) have the power to influence a lot.

Get used to "bad days" for a while.

You get to say when it's over. But, frankly, you're gonna hurt whether you're fighting or not. So if your W is a quality person, sit down, buckle up and tighten up the belt on the big-boy pants. Get ready for the fight of your life. (It'll be worth it in the end, no matter what.)

We're in your corner, sho.